Help Me

I'm going insane with essay that I can't write.


ARGH!!!

And PLEASE somebody shut down facebook and ebay so I stop getting distracted...

And no, I can't turn off my internet... they're called E-Journals.



xx

Even more stupid Americans...

And because it makes me smile, even though it's really silly...

Oh Dear...

Procrastination Central

It's that time again... essay deadlines loom, dissertations shout out to be done and the term is drawing to a close almost as quickly as time is ticking away. Okay, so they would actually be at the same pace, but shhhhhh.

I am working very hard on my procrastination. I've written all my Christmas cards, I've checked every email, myspace, facebook, blog etc etc I can think of. I've scanned the entirety of the BBC news website. So now I am writing my blog... for no reason better than I don't know how to explain what evolution is, and how it can be applied to human behaviour... at least not in a fluid, well written 2000 words. Ach.

The last couple weeks have been eventful, but you all know that anyway (if anyone actually reads my blog anymore.. probably not)... had 2 balls, Children In Need, formal etc etc etc. I am tired, and quite frankly can't wait for the holidays to come, the lectures to end and homeward bounding to be. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family- it's been nearly 5 months!!!

It will be weird going home after all that time, though.

Can't think of anything else to say. Sorry. xxx

Stolen Thoughts...

Hello world. It’s a long time since I’ve blogged, and in that time I’ve had many an idea for what to write… some stupid, others serious… all forgotten. So instead, I thought I’d just put down some lines from films and songs that have moved or inspired me for some reason (usually pretty stupid) over the last few weeks… the ones I can remember anyway… But to make it more fun for you… I’ll not tell you where they are from- see if you can get them without Googling, hehehe…

• So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last days of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by when they're busy making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.
  

• A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world…He doesn't speak the language, he holds no currency. He is a foreign man … He looks around, around, he sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity. He says Amen! and Hallelujah!
  

• Don't buy the daily papers any more woman, read all about what's going on in hell. They don't care to tell the world of kindness, good news never made a paper sell. There's all the colours of the rainbow in the garden woman and symphonies of music in the sky. Heaven's all around us if you're looking, but how can you see it if you cry?
  

• Well old Bob hasn't got much but he values the time he spends growin' flowers. He still loves his babies that grew to be men… Every man is a King when he has a Princess… His old heart still races, she's still the most beautiful girl that he's met. And you ask is he happy...and you ask is he happy...? He's got wrinkles from smiling, he feels lucky and free and he knows what it means to live here in the sunshine. He’s got wrinkles from smiling.
  

• I've spent so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem, that I forget what the problem actually was. Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free.
  

• Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind, down the foggy ruins of time. Far past the frozen leaves, the haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach, far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow. Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, silhouetted by the sea… with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves. Let me forget about today until tomorrow.
  

Hrmmn… a very odd mix, but it’s just what I could remember off the top of my head. That’s all for now folks, xxx.

I am...

... drunk but amazingly happy. xxx

Final Year. Ouch.

Wow, and yet again I have failed to Blog in ages...

And oddly enough, even though I've done lots, lots has happened and so on, I don't really have much to say. Except, it is soooo good to have everyone back, housemates and others, and I can't wait to get into this term and into Uni life again...

For the last year. Which is a highly depressing thought (Is that an oxymoron?) ... anyway, the following words are now banned: Dissertation, Final(ist), Graduation... etc.

Hrmmmmm... so what else can I say? For now nothing (don't celebrate that too much). Bye.

Wow...

It is a looooong time since I last wrote a blog. I can almost see the virtual cobwebs.

Anyways.. So over a month has passed and what have I done? Well lots of nothing.. and a little of something... I'm back up in Durham now, in the new house, on my own. It's exciting to be here, but it will be so much better when everyone else moves back! I can't wait... When I first moved up, Taj was here which was nice, and Emma has been through for a night... and these were definitely better than being on my own. I've met most of the boys from No. 52 (all bar one I think) and they all seem perfectly nice. Urmm.. what else??? Kathy and Mum came to visit a few weeks ago for a few days, which was really cool, as I got to show them Durham and we explored the surrounding area a bit. The highlights were definitely going up to Edinburgh for a couple of days, during the festival, and going to Lindisfarne. Edinburgh is a fantastic city, I really love it, and the buzz of the festival was brilliant! And Lindisfarne is just an amazingly peaceful, serene place... Love that too!

So a brief update from me... now I'm going to play scrabble online with Meghan. Because I am cool. xxx

Of Bats and Reservoirs

Lots has been happening and going on this end of the week....

On Thursday we (Mum, Kathy, Adam, Adam's friend Nick and I) drove to Street in Somerset. Mum wanted to go and visit, of all things, the Shoe Museum (Street is where the company Clarks began)... apparently as research for something she is writing. Adam, Nick and I, not being entirely enthusiastic about the prospect of spending such a beautiful day in a Shoe Museum, walked the mile or so to Glastonbury. And in true fashion, rather than going to Glastonbury for the festival, as most people our age would have gone for, we went to Glastonbury Abbey (or the ruins of), which was worthwhile in an entirely different way. Brilliant place, lots and lots of history, including apparently being the site of the first Christian church on British soil... but more excitingly, and weirdly, I rescued a bat!!! In the crypt (yes, the crypt... apparently the bat was a fan of cliche...) this little bat was crawling around, at risk of being trampled underfoot by the many visitors to the Abbey. Eventually, this bat had started crawling up the trousers of a lady, who was on crutches, and so had no hands or ability to remove it. So I did (having asked first, of course). Anyway, so it was that I found myself clutching this little bat. Which was crawling over my hands, clinging on with its little claws. You should be proud, who knew I had the guts! I then deposited said bat in an area of the crypt which was away from public access, and watched it crawl off to the nearest dark corner. All together a very weird experience. The whole day was a little weird to be honest. Adam and I ended up having a huge argument with Mum in the evening, which was weird, ended weirdly and is just screwed up. But yeah, sorted now, so nevermind.

Then, yesterday, some old old friends of the family, Diana (mum's best friend), and her son Zander (Adam's age) came to stay for the weekend with Diana's brother (Andy, who we have met before but havent seen in years because he now lives in Chile on a mountain), and his Chilean wife Beni (who doesnt speak much English) and their absolutely adorable, cutest thing in the world, 2 yr old daughter Isadora. Iz is at the age where she is saying some words, though not in sentence form. Half of these words are Spanish, half are English... It is so sweet to see a little 2yr old speaking spanish.

Very very sweet. Anyway, so last night they arrived and we gradually got quite drunk. Ended up sleeping in a big tent in our garden (my bed was commandeered for visitors) with Adam, Nick and Zander, having stayed up talking and drinking and listening to music at 4.30am. That would have been ok if the tent hadnt got so scorchingly hot that I had to get up at 8am just to get out of the heat. So I spent a couple hours watching children's TV, which has declined an awful lot in the last 10 yrs!!! A big breakfast helped. Then spent rest of the morning playing table tennis.

This afternoon we went to Chagford, had a drink (non alcoholic!) at the pub, at which they were playing live folksy music which was quite cool. Then wandered around the village, bought a picnic, and drove up to Fernworthy Reservoir for a 4pm lunch and walk. Was very nice, Fernworthy is a trully beautiful place.


Anyways, lots of fun, and I am so tired I'm afraid I havent presented it in a particularly interesting way. Oh well, serves you right for reading all this way...

xxx

Alice in Wonderland

Another day, another post... aren't I being good...

Well this evening I went to see Oscar (7) in his primary school production of Alice: The Musical. On the face of it, it was a very sweet, sometimes sung beautifully out of key evening. The children were endearingly nervous, or enthusiastic... or in Oscar's case oblivious to anything but finding familiar faces in the audience. Incidentally, he played a Jackdaw... apparently he was just given title of "bird" but he felt the role needed something a little more specific. So it was that a jackdaw, a group of other anonymous birds, and a few other creatures from Class 2 did their dance and sang their songs etc etc. Was v sweet... especially when a young member of the audience got so excited by the repetitive chorus of "down down down down" in one of the songs, that he decided to attempt to join in too... although at all the wrong times and keys and everything. Amusing though.

This was just a primary school production... it was not meant to inspire any of the audience members into anything more than gloating over how wonderful their child was. However, it did strike me as the children mimed Alice falling down the rabbit hole, not sure where she was going, when this constant falling would end, or who wouldbe there with her when it ended, as something rather akin to life, or my life.

I sometimes feel rather like Alice must have, falling down that rabbit hole... totally unsure of anything, and yet unable to stop the rollercoaster I am on. It is scary. And confusing. And rather like Alice, I sometimes find myself in a sea of tears at the end of it (go read Lewis Carrol if you dont get the reference). I could go further into this analogy, and describe the fact that there are many boisterous queens of hearts, and crazy cheshire cats, and uninterested yet enticing white rabbits in my life... but maybe that would be taking too much away from a production put on by a bunch of under 11 year olds. Interesting, however, it is. And I suppose Lewis Carrol thought so.

Then again, I guess I could read something into the label on a jam jar... so keen am I to find answers to all the questions I cannot name.

At the end of the day, those questions dont matter if you look at yourself and make sure that, in your eyes, you are doing the best you can to be the person you think you should be. That you uphold what is important, and act accordingly. You dont let yourself be dragged into things that muddy the water. It can be hard sometimes though... and then is when you need a little help.

149

Wow, I haven't posted in so long. But still I have nothing to say...

I'm back home now, though I don't know how much longer this will be home... we are probably moving house in next few months... if we can find someone to buy our house. I guess that's quite exciting. Went to Emma's birthday last week. That was good- thanks again Emma, for a lovely weekend. Other than these things, I guess not much is going on. Life is relatively quiet... which can be quite a relief.

Hrmmn. x

Many days later..

Haven't posted for soooooo long, and I guess lots has happened since I last did but I just don't remember! Have two houses now, and was given keys for new one today so wandered up to check it out. It's all clean and exciting and new! Will be good to move into it, new beginnings etc. What else has been happening? Lots of nothing. Everything and nothing. Don't really have anything to say actually... probably should have thought about that before trying to update you all on my life. Maybe will try again later, x

no capital letters as they are too hard.

so i passed! yay! yayayayayaya! sooooo relieved and happy and thankful! and what's more... i also got offered job (well invited to training days for) neuropartners job... also yayayayyayaya! all very good. very good day... have been out this evening with psychology ppl plus a couple of extras, and did some bars, eventually ended up in loveshack with leonie. lots of fun, and good to get to know a couple of people a bit better, who ive realy onl spoken to in lectures or in the chem cafe before now. so very good day... feeling very positive about everything. hurrah! xxxxxxx love to you all.

Quite nervous, actually...

Okay, so results will be published in about 2 minutes, and I am clutching at straws to try and pass that seemingly minute amount of time, which feels like it's ticking by reeeeeeally sloooooooowly. I am very nervous. And I may well have reason to be. I know that that may seem pessimistic, and I know there is no use worrying about it because it's too late to change anything now, I've done what I've done... but now I must face the consequences, and nobody likes to do that, do they? If the results are fine, then that will be great... but if not, well that will be another story. Anyway, wish me luck, I'm off to see how I have done! EEEEEEEK!

Exams are over! Hooray!

Probably something I should've blogged about last Thursday, but better late than never!!! Yes, that's right... my exams are finished! Yay! The last couple were, shall we say, less than nice, but it doesn't matter... or at least it won't until August! The freedom that I now feel is astounding! Such a huge relief! The last almost-a-week has been spent drinking Pimm's, at Klute, at Planet, watching films, in the metrocentre with Katie and her cousin, Kirsty, and generally being lazy and loving it. I did go to a Seminar yesterday though... so no complaining about my lack of work! Also, I'm working this Saturday... boo!

Oh well.

All in all, I am very well and enjoying this, albeit cold, start to the Summer. That said, I dont want the term to end, and everyone to go home again! The holidays are just waaaay too long!!!

And Finalists!!! I'm not ready to be one of them...

In case you don't already...

Just ignore me...!

What really matters?

Is it you... is it the things you feel, the things you do, the lives you affect? Should we concentrate on what is central to us, what affects us?
How can we, when everything seems so trivial in relation to the world? Whatever problems we have, they will never compare to what somebody else is suffering. Does this mean our problems are not important? But they are just as sorely felt. So what does this leave us with? Still the same old problems, and how they make you feel, along with guilt, as you are just not as appreciative as you should be. Not as thankful, not as hopeful, not as happy.
But then, everything pales into significance when you take other things into account. Other, greater things. But you can't feel guilt over these things... well you can, and you do, and you may even appreciate... but you can never redeem these things.

So we are left with what?

A neverending guilt that we aren't ever quite as happy as life should allow us to be? We don't appreciate the things we have, nor do we help those who don't have these things enough. We don't do enough, we don't thank enough, and we pity ourselves just far too much.

But do we?
How can we?

How can we help what we feel? How can we change it?

Time... understanding...? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe acceptance. I don't know.

I don't know what to concentrate on, because I can't work out... what really matters?

Halfway Point

Over halfway through! Hooray! A week into exams, and my last post seems like decades ago. It has been a stressful, strenuous week, with lots of work and ocasional respite in Classic fm. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there is an end in sight... yay! And after that, nothingness, pure and unadulterated bliss in that utter nothingness.

Good luck all in your coming exams! xxx

Exams...

...start tomorrow. Does ANYone feel prepared!? I'm feeling so terrified to the point that I am oversleeping till 10.45, then messing around online, just so I dont have to think about them! Argh! Denial, denial, denial...

Just Remember...

• People will always surprise you.
• Life will sometimes amaze you.
• Other times it will bore you.
• You will shock yourself.
• For this reason, you will never quite know yourself.
• But we all like surprises every so often...
• You don't have to look very far to find something to inspire you
• Even less far to see something that makes you smile
• Contemplation is good, but don't take it too seriously.
• Fun is not illegal (well... not most types...)
• Life is bigger than a momentary set back.
• Momentary set backs can help you grow.
• Don't ever stop growing, learning, changing.
• Don't always take the easy road... it may be smoother, but the view won't be so great.
• Don't fear what's around the corner... revel in the surprise.
• People will always surprise you.

There. Bad blog, but I can't be bothered to make it flow. Therefore, bulletpoints! Love, xxx

On Life

The ups, the downs. The highs, the lows. The to and fros. From smiling to crying, whilst what, how and why-ing. Life. A never-ending confusion of questions, and changes and moments. Moving ones, awe-inspiring ones, life changing ones... and downright dull ones. Big things and small things. I suppose short things and tall things (to keep with the rhyming...). We are constantly changing, the world is constantly spinning... and sometimes we get dizzy. Need to sit down and just catch up with ourselves.

When I was a child, my brother and I used to stand in the garden and spin and spin until when we stopped, the world continued to spin before our eyes. We thought it meant we could see the Earth spinning. Wrong as that was, we enjoyed that spin. We enjoyed a speedy pace of life, when friendships and interests and fads came with as much ease, and as great a moving on rate as the wind. The air was never stagnant, and the constant moving on of life was thrilling.

As I have got older, I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with the changes. With the speedy pace of life. Sure enough, a lot of aspects of life have slowed, and sometimes, yes, the air does get stagnant and it is all I can do to stop myself from standing up and spinning again. To try and get it to move on. But mostly I am just terrified, and excited, by the speed at which we move into each and every stage in life. Only yesterday I was that 8 year old spinning in her garden. Now I am 20, nearly 2/3 of my way through University, and about to face the prospect of living in the real world. I won't be able to crawl into a book, a film, a diary or an MSN conversation for hours, days, weeks at a time. I will have to choose my life, and live it! This is not a bad thing... but it is a daunting one! And of course, we can change our lives right up until the moment we die... but as I said, the older we become, the harder it is to jump from one thing to another... changing horses midstream, so to speak.

Then we must hold on to what is constant. But what is constant? Our beliefs? No... they develop, they are questioned, they grow. Our selves? They change too. Then what? I don't know. Ultimately, it is important just not to get caught up in the whirlwind, let your life fly by with options and choices and fear of change. Rather, live it. It will challenge you. It will hurt you. But it will do so much more than that.

Hate life or love life, we all have to live life.

Of Things BIG And small...

I find it interesting that so very often, it is not the big things in life that will make you stop and think. It is not the big things that change your mind. It is the little things that make you cry, make you wonder, make you 'redefine your outlook'. It is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Why? Okay, maybe its a seemingly obvious explanation... as any mathmetician, I am sure, would agree if you add up enough small numbers you will eventually get to a significantly larger one. Similarly in life, a series of small events, thoughts or conversations (depending on the example) will ultimately, though not always, granted, join together to cause the greater effect.

I suppose if you keep adding up each and every component, you will eventually get something that is vaguely 'you'-shaped. Or that resembles a picture of your life. Perhaps it is a pointless excercise to try and break everything down into smaller, itty-bitty fragments until you are left with a puzzle you can't put back together. Or maybe we are forever trying to put together a puzzle that is undone when we come into this world.

Again, I don't know. Perhaps, I should let life be as it is, stop wondering about it, or merely pondering aloud in a ramble-some fashion, and just get on with it! Anyway, at the end of all that I have two more things to say. Firstly, I need to stop this overuse of certain words ('anyway', 'ultimately', 'exciting' etc.) Secondly, a question:

Is life what we make of it?

Is this all?

Goodnight, xxx

A-Whoooo Arrrrre A-Youuuuuu?

Surely this is a question most of us will ask of ourselves at some point in our lives? Surely it is one that many will ask on a regular basis...

It is a topic that has come up in conversation quite a few times, with regard to whether one can ever really, trully know oneself, or another... My stance has generally been that (at least at this time in my life, when so many lives are being lived: Home, School, Uni, Work... different worlds within worlds) I am not sure who I am...

I know the 'me' that lives in my head, and generally thinks too much and is a little bit lazy. I know the 'me' at home, amongst my family. I know the 'me' with Uni friends, and I know the 'me' with school friends. However, these people do not always coincide... not because I am ever being fake at any point, pretending or putting on a show... but simply because, and I am sure many of you will have to admit that you do this too, we do act differently according to the people we are with. So what is the relevance of this? Well, if you are all these different people, albeit with some definite similarities, how do you decide who the real 'you' is? Is this a concept we can really uphold, or is it a pointless, self-indulgent task we carry out to try and form some glorified image of ourselves as decent, generous, moral, intelligent, kind, unselfish human beings?

Ultimately, I think we all have an image of the person we would like to be... a list of attributes we would like people to name in their descriptions of us (funny, kind, intelligent, generous, deep, sensitive... etc etc, you know the drill). However, and not to be pessimistic here, I am sure we will all agree that none of us really fit that picture. Maybe we shouldn't ever... we must always strive to be a better person than the one we are right now.

Anyway, back to the 'who-are-you' issue. How would you describe yourself... by rather external, or physical attributes such as 'Psychology student at Durham, female, brown hair, home town in Devon, works at Tchibo etc...' or more mentalistic attributes such as 'caring, intelligent, thoughtful... etc'? Maybe a mixture of the two? What is it that really makes you you? There are probably about 200 female psychology students in Durham with brown hair AT LEAST. Some of them may well come from Devon. Whilst I know none of them work at Tchibo, I know that 4 other people do. So this cannot suffice in a description of me... but then the same goes for the other attributes.

Maybe it is a combination of the two? Or maybe it is just something that will never be expressable in words? Maybe it just really does not matter.

The last one though, I think I will say just isn't true, at least for many people- why do you think Psychology is such a lucrative business to get in to? Why have so many people gone on some mission to 'find themselves'....? I just don't think they need to go all the way to India. Rather, take a good look in the mirror, have a good think about your life, your beliefs and your values, and go and talk to a good friend. Ultimately... the looks? They constantly change... so can't sum you up. Your friends? Hopefully you will be luck enough that they don't change all that often, but the relationships you have with them will, and their view of you will develop over time as you do. As will your personal view of yourself.

We are not born complete. We grow... throughout our lives. When our bodies stop getting taller at 18, we... and whatever it is that makes us, us... continues to develop. Our experiences shape the people we become, we learn things, we assimilate. If we are lucky enough to know some extraordinary people, they too may shape who we become. Maybe you are lucky enough to know an ordinary person, who will have an extraordinary impact on your life... No, scrap that... everyone we deal with will ultimately have some bearing on who you are. Some people more so than others, that is all...

So what can I conclude from this? Everything and nothing. It's basically a load of drivel, which means nothing, dressed up to sound a bit pretty. But at the same time, it has given me opportunity to think, appreciate and I suppose accept. We must take the good with the bad, learn from it all, and hopefully come out the other end as better people. Appreciate all those who are in your life because no matter who they are, what they are or how old they are, I guarantee you they will be able to teach you something in life. But most importantly, we must accept the person that we are, see the flaws, but also see the plus points. The striving for something greater in oneself doesn't mean you began as a failure- it just means that you are human.

Moving not so swiftly on...

Another day, another topic... I think the lst has run its course, and like Tim, I m bored of it...

I am suuuuure there are lots of other mildly controversial discussions we can start...

• Should we learn from yesterday, live for today or plan tomorrow? Or should we do all of these?
• Is it better to regret something you have done, then something you haven't? Should we regret, or simply learn? Are these the same thing?
• What, ultimately, is it most important to be in life? Honest? True to yourself? Moral? Smart? Generous? Rich?!
• Possibly the most burning question of all... did I write this just as an excuse to use the cool bullet point feature on my blog?

Possibly maybe. By which I mean yes... so no obligation to answer any of the above stupid philosophical meanderings in what I suppose Taj would call the land of the questioners?

Hrmmm. it is too late for coherency and thus, without further ado, I shall head for my bed.

Wow. I actually just fell asleep, for real... That's quite amusing! Night!

Don't read into this... it means nothing!!!

Okay. Lets try and get back to my original point. What I really was saying is that we sometimes have a tendency to look for meaning beyond the simple ones something already has. Yes, everything has 'meaning' as you may want to define it. What I was referring to, which yes is subjective, was the more profound, deeper meaning we may search for. Take, for example, a poem... we as readers may take something from the verse, above and beyond anything that the poet originally intended. We may search and search for the profundity hidden between the lines, only to realise it just isn't there. It is what it is, and that is its meaning...

So I suppose it was wrong, and a little confusing to use the term 'meaningless'... but right in saying "there are some things that it is pretty impossible to place meaning in."
By which I mean a secondary meaning so to speak- a subtext- an underlying thought.

I guess my point was that although we should never judge any book by its cover, at the same time, sometimes there is nothing to read between the lines.

Hrmmn. Hope that clears it up!!! And I apologise for my consistent use of tacky, cringe-worthy metaphors!

Now I must sleep as I have to be up in... four and a half hours. Wooooo! xxxx

You've got facial hair like a polar bear...

Sometimes I go through phases writing a diary... sometimes I write blogs. Sometimes I write nothing at all. Often I have a lot of thoughts, but nothing to say. Often I have no thoughts, and write reams. Sometimes I start out with both, and like a dusty CD player get stuck half way through. Jumping paragraph to paragraph.

I don't really know what I'm writing in this case. I think I am in the lots of thoughts, not a lot to say stage. Frustratingly little, which makes writing a blog that actually has some worth is like... well, like Mission Impossible!

I guess the problem is, if you try and look for a meaning in everything, try to see a poignancy or a piece of obnoxious, over-the-top philosophical thought in all that happens, all that you think, hear and see... well you will be let down. Some things are just as they are. They do not pretend, happy to be frivolous, and not necessarily worth anything more than the passing enjoyment they provide.

Ok, even I am now losing sight of what I mean. I guess this is a follow on from my last post; sometimes we need to stop looking for meaning, purpose etc, and just get on with it!

However, I do still have some questions... like whatever possessed any record company to sign on Daphne & Celeste? Really! A song just made up of rhyming insults. Insane (like a weather vane).

I'm going to do a little jump now (as I warned I do ocassionally... okay, often do)... how brilliant are old songs! I love them. I guess there is something terribly comforting about sneaking back into a world you left behind, and just settle, I guess, into some good old memories.

Here's to the simplicity of the past (because it's over) and the hope of the future (because it's yet to come)...

Life. A piece of cake?

I don't know what I want to do with my life. There; I said it. It scares me... terrifies me... that I just do not have clue. I could tell you the romantic notions that I occasionally entertain, but none of these are realities. At least, not how I'd like them to be. That isn't pessimism, but realism. If we all lived with our heads in the clouds, we'd be too busy bumping into one another than to actually live life! And I suppose that is what it is all about... living life... We have certain ideas... whether they be society's, your family's or just yours... we all have ideas of what a life should be. What ingredients are needed to, excuse the corny metaphor, bake the perfect cake that is your life on a plate. But, as Marie Antoinette said, we can't have our cake and eat it too.

I beg to differ. Well, Marie Antoinette did; what she actually said was 'let them have cake'. Which I suppose leads me neatly to my next point. There are two types of people... those who aim to make their lives in a way that is as good for them as possible, and those who see the improvement of other people's lives as more important than their own. Those who work for money, and those who work for meaning. I would like to be the latter... but, just like many of humanity, I suffer the overindulgent greed that somewhat sours the idea of little rewards for great efforts. But maybe I am being hard on myself. Like I said; I just don't know.

Maybe I will never know; does that matter? Well to me, yes! If I were to spend my life aimlessly wandering, searching for direction and cause... I would miss it! And I would give nothing to the world. But maybe I am asking these questions too soon. What is too soon... and how will I ever know? There are so many questions, no answers, and I am now just writing words for the sake of writing them. So is that what I should do in life... live it for the sake of living? Plod along whatever paths seem obvious, question little and worry not? Well that's just not in my nature. I am unashamedly inquisitive. That's not true.. I am not unashamedly so.

Ultimately, this whole thing is a farce. I feel so darned apathetic to everything right this second, that I couldn't care less about any of it. In fact, the things at the top of my list at the moment are that I can't feel my tongue (bonjela), and annoyance with OpenOffice, as it doesn't automatically capitalise 'I' (important right this second, as the use of 'I' is very frequent in all of this... see next sentence...). I guess that makes me a very lucky person, and I do appreciate that, and perhaps I should be less flippant about it all.

As I said, I just don't know...

Back once again...

Many returns... many... firstly, mine to Durham (via the wonderful town that is Harrogate)... secondly my laptop! Yay! Soooooo good to have it back. Seriously. To the point of being a little bit loserish. Ah well. And the return of others... Emma, Taj, Helen... later on Tim... in a few days more. Its nice.

Not so nice... my return to work... blegh. Boring. But nevermind.
Nor my return to revision. Or 'revision'. Or pretending to revise.

Though I've done lots, seen lots, thought lots and heard lots since my last post I have neither the energy, nor the memory to write it all down.

And now Emma and Taj are back, so Im going... apologies for a mindless, pointless blog...

Maybe later I'll post some pictures of Prague.

Maybe not.

xxx

Loud Noises!

Nothing much to say or report today... this is purely being written as a tool for procrastination against the revision I am yet to start.

The world in Devon is a noisy place today... my little brother is shouting something about toy dogs... my mum is mowing the lawn, some people who are doing up a patio are playing 'demon radio'.... they cant get a signal so what would normally be Radio 1 has morphed into some evil sounding, muffled and crackly noise at high volume. Add to this bangings from hammers and things it is all in all remarkably un-peaceful, quiet and serene... which is a turn around from the norm... which is usually relative silence, save the birdsong and sound of a distant cow or two...


Anyway, I'm off now to beat Adam at ping pong... xxx

Fernworthy Reservoir

Yesterday was rather a brilliant day... much of it was spent just talking to family, or playing pingpong with them...

In the afternoon, however, we took the dogs for a walk round Fernworthy Reservoir, up on Dartmoor. It is a trully beautiful place, free from the sound of cars and full of the sound of birdsong... It seemed magical in the 6 o'clock sunlight. So we walked for a couple of hours, just soaking in the glorious views and sounds etc... then to top it all off, we went for a cool pint of magners at the local pub in Chagford...

A lovely day! Hope all of you are well... xxx

Lots of catching up to do...

So it's aaaaaaaaaaaages since my last post, and I have reached the stage where I can't be bothered to post, as I have to go over what has happened in the past few weeks since the 22nd March...

But I shall try... First, my birthday was awesome, so thanks to all of you who made it so... had a yummy chinese lunch and lots and lots of vodka with family guy and a couple coctails out in the afternoon/evening... generally a chilled out birthday, but good fun. So yay! Presents always good too, hehehe.

Which leads me smoothly onto Prague, part of which was a present for my birthday from my family, very nice of them indeed. Anyway, Prague was.... fantastic... and I'm sure many of you who read this have by now received my dreadful, scrawnily, illegibly and incomprehensibly written postcards... I do apologise, and can only claim that fact that they were writted after a night of one too many cocktails at Zulu (the best bar in Prague, with generous servings and low, low prices), and literally no sleep all night long (instead we went for a posh breakfast at Cafe Louvre, which involved hot chocolate that was actually just melted chocolate in a cup, and scrambled eggs with smoked salmon.... yummy). Anyway... so apologies! But yes, Prague was brrrrrilliant (extra ice etc etc), and I feel I have fully embraced Cafe Culture...

Not so sure about the topless play we went to see though... hrmmmn... and now it sounds worse than it was, but I shall leave you to ponder!

Anyway, when I got back to Durham I had a brief interlude which involved rowing boats, Ellie and her brother, and being cooked for by Tom and Jenn. Also good! Then, on Thursday I came home to the sunny, sunny land of Devon, which has been trully wonderful, seeing my family again and enjoying their company. Yesterday was spent somewhat lazily, enjoying Monopoly and card games and the sunshine... today was a bit more exciting... we went to a castle at Dunster (there are loads of castles in Devon, but this was in Somerset and particularly nice), walked around the amazing building, saw the pretty grounds, ate a yummy lunch and generally enjoyed feeling touristy and familyyy and just nice. So yay!

There... a brief account of my past few weeks...

I hope that all of you have had equally enjoyable times, and that I will soon get a chance to catch up with y'all... alas, my laptop is still AWOL, and forecast is not good.

But, not to leave on a sad note... Happy Easter! and Speak Soon! Love, xxx

The day before the big 2-0

Well kids, in approximately 22 minutes and 27 seconds from now (approximately) I shall be turning 20... I shall say goodbye to all those teenagery things I never really indulged in, and some which I did. Some I shall retain for future use...

I'm not really hugely excited though... maybe I'm at that age when birthdays are a bore and you don't really care (yeah, right), maybe in some weird effort to deny the fact that (thanks, Tim) I will be closer to 40 than to birth I am not truly thinking about it... or maybe I'm just not bothered...

SO what am I doing to see in my 20th Birthday? Well as the clock ticks midnight and the day switches over from the 22nd to the 23rd... I'll be doing bugger all. There is nothing on tv, no one in the house and nothing to do...

Tomorrow I'm goign to chinese for lunch, followed by some celebratory drink or two and possible going outness.

ANyway, should be good.

Im sure I possibly should be reflecting on my past 20 years... the true meaning behind celbrating each passing year...

but as I said, I'm not feeling all that bothered.

Havent posted in ages, as have nthing much to say... not to mention very sporadic internet

Anyways, see you all when I'm 20!!! xxx

3rd March

I don't really have much to say... this is more a procrastination tool than a place for expression.

I've been at work today... and I have to say (and this may sound odd)... I really love children. Really do. I love their eagerness, their excitement at the world, they are easily upset, but also easily pleased... they will smile back if you smile at them; many adults can't find the time. I love that they are cheeky in a way that is adorable... this one little boy, who was 18months old (I asked) kept pulling this hilarious face, which made him look serious, only you could see he was trying not to smile at us. Children are so beautifully simple, so wonderfully uncynical.

Anyway... as I've been typing this, the sky has turned from being blue... to deep pink. It's trully amazing how stunning and awe inspiring something so 'everyday' can be. But there youhave it.

I hope everyone is well, and happy... and that you remember what we can learn from children, and to occassionally look skywards.

x

Music and Lyrics

We all listen to music.. every day. We all have our favourite songs, artists, lyrics. We all have songs that mean something to us, remind us of something, make us feel a particular way.

How often do we really listen to the lyrics though? Really think about what we are singing along to means? So today, take just one song... which has special meaning for you, and really go investigate the lyrics. Find out what they mean, not just to you but also to the person who wrote them. You never know, the song may just take on a completely new direction... you may be dissapointed, but what is more likely is that you will be introduced to a whole new idea, or take on the song that pushes it into another... dimension?

Maybe I am being over the top. But think, I know that at least for me, music has a special place in my life, and I couldn't do without it! So just for a few minutes, give it all of your attention, and take the opportunity to really appreciate it, and what the artist/writer wanted to get across to you...

And, just so you know... my song was Walking in Memphis, Marc Cohen.

Eggs

Today an old couple were shopping in Iceland, and they obviously wanted some eggs. In Iceland the free range eggs are on the top shelf, which is quite high, and despite his best efforts the old gentleman could not reach them. No one helped them, and they did not settle for Iceland's 12 pack of battery chicken general horribleness. Therefore, they left without eggs.

For some reason this brought tears to my eyes. That's the kind of person I am. I don't know what this says, but there you have it.

Sometimes...

Sometimes things are simpler than they seem. Sometimes they are not.
Sometimes people mean the things they say. Sometimes they do not.
Sometimes people said the things you hear they did. Sometimes they did not.
Sometimes it will all be fine. Sometimes it will not.
Sometimes you can see the negative and never the positive. Sometimes the niggling optimism of a positive view can no longer be ignored.
Sometimes its better to forget what you don't understand, and believe what you hope to be true.
Sometimes life gets too hard to pretend anymore that it is fine. But that is when we must turn to one another, to someone... and they will tell us that life is like that. Sometimes.

Sometimes all we can do is take a step back, a deep breath and a fresh perspective. Sometimes this will help, sometimes it wont.

Sometimes we must endeavour to be a little more aware of the consequences that our actions have. Sometimes we must act without thought. But only sometimes.

Sometimes we must do... instead of promising yourself that you will do it sometime...

Sometimes you must trust what you cannot prove, cannot see and cannot be reassured upon. You must have a blind faith in some things. Because otherwise what and who can you trust?

Sometimes it seems easier to let it all get to you, to give in and to break.

No one ever said the road was easy though. Sometimes its the hard times that teach us the most.

Sometimes.

Procrastination

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
.It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

5 points if you can name where it's from...

"It was icy as hell and I damn near fell down. I don't even know what I was running for- I guess I just felt like it. After I got across the road, I felt like I was sort of disappearing. It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road."

I don't know why, except that I kind of like it...

So tired

That I can't really work out which day it is. I have a billion things to do, but not one iota of the energy to do them...

On the otherhand we do have a lovely, clean house for 6 for next year... which will be my last year in Durham which terrifies and upsets me more than it probably should. I am just not ready for reality!

x

Tidy Room

I am here, on my bed, gazing at the marvel that is a clean room. Freshly hoovered, cleared, sorted and generally dealt with. It's a wonderful sight, and a brilliant feeling. This said... it took me all of 40 minutes to do. I wish the arrangement of self could be so speedily completed. I'm in a very strange mood tonight... and cannot decide whether life and thoughts etc are very complex, or really very simple. I can't decide whether I'm feeling content, anxious, excited, nostalgic or what... I just don't know. I'm not despairing, I'm in a pretty good mood. But equally, I confuse myself! I would like to be able to order my mind in the way that I did my room... to hoover up the dust, throw out the rubbish and arrange the various scraps of paper, on which are scrawled all the pieces that make up my life. A quandry indeed, but on the other hand, I sometimes feel that I should stop questioning, accept it for what it is and 'carry on regardless'. I don't know if any of these sentences actually flow together, but if they don't it's just an example of the broken nature of a thought... of a life, really.

But anyway

enough of the rubbish! I'm starting to get cold (I'm on the bed, not in it), and my elbows are hurting (I'm leaning on them), and I am tired... so I shall say goodnight, with a question...

Are we complex... or are we actually very simple? Should we continue to question?

I guess one way that you could look at it is, if I never tidied my room, eventually I would a) not be able to open the door, b) not be able to find anything and c) very likely be plagued by insects and rodents. Not a pleasant thought...

Snow

Ok, so I know I was very drunk last night, and that maybe my reaction was partly due to that, but... as I was walking home at about 2am after a lovely night, my feet a little worse for wear, it began to snow. Really heavily. It had already snowed a little earlier in the night, and the roads, pavements, grass, houses, cars and trees were all covered. As was I, increasingly. Thanks to my alcohol coat, I didn't feel the cold, but I was touched by just how astoundingly beautiful snow is. At that time of night, the roads were empty, and the world was silent... all there was was me walking up the hill, and the snow, falling gently covering all the marks that we have left upon the world. Maybe this is why I think snow is so wonderful... it acts like a big blanket that hides all the ugliness that humanity has produced in order to 'get around, and get along'. Or maybe, it is just simply that it is beautiful... soft and slow. I don't know. I sound a little stupid now, I'm sure, but nevermind. It was a moment that caught me, and I guess I just wanted to reiterate what has already been put in other blogs... just remember to occasionally stop, and look around. Don't get too caught up in life, to forget the world in which you are living. That it has beauty beyond any which we could create. It is simple and it is wonderful, and it should be appreciated.

xxx

World's worst blog

So I thought I better update my blog, as I haven't in a little while. That said, I don't really think I have much to say. Thus, I apologise for the possible (and likely) ensuing, illegible ramble...

What have I been up to the last week or so? Not much? A lot... I don't know... went to Planet on Friday which was, as always, fun. Ummm... went to the quiz last night which was also fun, and we got 40/60.. not bad...

Wow, I am feeling really uninspired. Which is odd, because I don't really feel that way, I just can't put it down in (virtual) paper..

I'll go now. Sorry bout that!

Well its been a while since my last post, and so much has happened, I can't even remember it all! And that has nothing (well, little) to do with my alcohol consumption... so what has happened...

Well Henry came to visit on Wednesday... ye-eah! It all started with world's hardest pub quiz (over-exaggeration, ok) and some wine... then was formal on Thursday... Burns night! Yay! So much fun, so good, though too much wine and loss of campus card/debit card/rail card and £10. Which wasn't so good. But overall a brilliant night!

Then last night was Planet of Sound, for which Henry and I were joined by Ellie and Tim (Price). Another very good night, though a combination of tequila slammers and vodka jelly.... not so good. Very drunken, but loads of fun. We spend pretty much the whole time on Trance, and it was an amazing set, given by guest DJ Graham Gold. Anyway, so good night... with maybe exception of digital cameras and errrr... yeah. No, great night. Loving the curly fries! Hehehehe.

I'm sure lots more has happened in the last two weeks, but I can't even remember! x

14 January 2007

Exactly a week since my last post, I believe, and lots has happened! First, last Thursday, Emma, Tim and Taj moved back into Crossview Terrace. Yay! Since then has ensued a great few days of eating together, drinking waaaaay too much wine and watching films etc. Good fun, and great to have people back. Katie, Alex and Oli arrived back today- Yaaaaay! This is really pointless of me to write this, given that everyone who reads this (if anyone), is one of those mentioned above.

But anyway, the whole point of this is puuuuurely to procrastinate... I have a summative due on Friday, so of course I am spending my time not doing it. It's the right thing to do...

Anyway, I know that when I started writing this a few hours ago, I had a point and possibly even something to say... but since then I have been to the Duke of Welly and I've forgotten. And Katie and Emma are playing Ms Pacman, and its far more interesting! Even so, just is nice to have everyone back, and am looking forward to the new term, the new year and so on!

Maybe not so many 5 bottles of wine nights... x

Momofuku Ando

As a student, I have come to appreciate the power of the Pot Noodle. The Supernoodle. The Tesco Value instant chicken noodles, only 8p a pack. In fact, I would be willing to bet that instant noodles are a valued part of most Students' lives. Lets face it, we live on them, have lived on them, or will live on them at some point. And we generally love them. Therefore, I would like to take a moment just to appreciate them, and the man who invented them, Mr Momofuku Ando (cool name), who died today in Japan, aged 96. Mr Ando, we commend you and your super-fast yummy snack inventingness! Thank you!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6237013.stm

Blogging

It's a very strange thing, blogging. It, at least for me, seems to be a weird mix of a diary, a process of random thoughts and observations, and a load of rubbish... and yet it is not quite any of these (with the possible exception of the latter). It's not a diary- I don't write everything here, and don't put what I've done every day, and certainly don't reveal every single thought and emotion and feeling I am at that moment experiencing (mostly)... but I do put something into my blogs, they are real... or something. I don't know if this makes sense, but I just think it's strange, because they can't really be properly classified. Either way, I have realised that i have been blogging for about 9 months now, on and off, and I think that's an achievement! I have always been so SO sporadic in my diary keeping, sometimes writing them religiously, other times forgetting them for years! So I am very happy that what has been one of, if not the most extraordinary year of my life, for both the good times and the bad, has been to some extent kept record of on this little website. Where maybe 2 other people in the world read it. Still, strange but cool.

In other news, it is my very last day in Devon for the time being, as I am off to Durham tomorrow! And working on Saturday... and I have tonnes of Uni work to do too. So, it won't be all fun and games, but I am looking forward to being on CVT once more, with good old Diana the clock, the freeview television, my huge bedroom, and my gigantic bed! Ahhhh... Durham. Kinda like a good cup of tea... some of the time. It has become a second home for me, and I gladly return...

That is not to say that I am glad to leave home... I have had a wonderful christmas on the whole, despite the few hiccups, and I have really enjoyed being with my wonderful family... though I feel I probably have not appreciated them these last two weeks as much as I should have, and I probablyhaven't spent as much time with them as I should. But nevermind.... The point is... I guess.. how lucky am I to have not one, but TWO homes in which I love to be, where there are people I love, and where I can find warmth and fun and... life!

Anyway, I shan't keep you any longer... see you up North! Love, xxx

How!?

How is it suddenly 2.30am and I no longer have the energy or inspiration to write anything of interest!!!

Time, eh?

xxx