no capital letters as they are too hard.

so i passed! yay! yayayayayaya! sooooo relieved and happy and thankful! and what's more... i also got offered job (well invited to training days for) neuropartners job... also yayayayyayaya! all very good. very good day... have been out this evening with psychology ppl plus a couple of extras, and did some bars, eventually ended up in loveshack with leonie. lots of fun, and good to get to know a couple of people a bit better, who ive realy onl spoken to in lectures or in the chem cafe before now. so very good day... feeling very positive about everything. hurrah! xxxxxxx love to you all.

Quite nervous, actually...

Okay, so results will be published in about 2 minutes, and I am clutching at straws to try and pass that seemingly minute amount of time, which feels like it's ticking by reeeeeeally sloooooooowly. I am very nervous. And I may well have reason to be. I know that that may seem pessimistic, and I know there is no use worrying about it because it's too late to change anything now, I've done what I've done... but now I must face the consequences, and nobody likes to do that, do they? If the results are fine, then that will be great... but if not, well that will be another story. Anyway, wish me luck, I'm off to see how I have done! EEEEEEEK!

Exams are over! Hooray!

Probably something I should've blogged about last Thursday, but better late than never!!! Yes, that's right... my exams are finished! Yay! The last couple were, shall we say, less than nice, but it doesn't matter... or at least it won't until August! The freedom that I now feel is astounding! Such a huge relief! The last almost-a-week has been spent drinking Pimm's, at Klute, at Planet, watching films, in the metrocentre with Katie and her cousin, Kirsty, and generally being lazy and loving it. I did go to a Seminar yesterday though... so no complaining about my lack of work! Also, I'm working this Saturday... boo!

Oh well.

All in all, I am very well and enjoying this, albeit cold, start to the Summer. That said, I dont want the term to end, and everyone to go home again! The holidays are just waaaay too long!!!

And Finalists!!! I'm not ready to be one of them...

In case you don't already...

Just ignore me...!

What really matters?

Is it you... is it the things you feel, the things you do, the lives you affect? Should we concentrate on what is central to us, what affects us?
How can we, when everything seems so trivial in relation to the world? Whatever problems we have, they will never compare to what somebody else is suffering. Does this mean our problems are not important? But they are just as sorely felt. So what does this leave us with? Still the same old problems, and how they make you feel, along with guilt, as you are just not as appreciative as you should be. Not as thankful, not as hopeful, not as happy.
But then, everything pales into significance when you take other things into account. Other, greater things. But you can't feel guilt over these things... well you can, and you do, and you may even appreciate... but you can never redeem these things.

So we are left with what?

A neverending guilt that we aren't ever quite as happy as life should allow us to be? We don't appreciate the things we have, nor do we help those who don't have these things enough. We don't do enough, we don't thank enough, and we pity ourselves just far too much.

But do we?
How can we?

How can we help what we feel? How can we change it?

Time... understanding...? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe acceptance. I don't know.

I don't know what to concentrate on, because I can't work out... what really matters?

Halfway Point

Over halfway through! Hooray! A week into exams, and my last post seems like decades ago. It has been a stressful, strenuous week, with lots of work and ocasional respite in Classic fm. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there is an end in sight... yay! And after that, nothingness, pure and unadulterated bliss in that utter nothingness.

Good luck all in your coming exams! xxx

Exams...

...start tomorrow. Does ANYone feel prepared!? I'm feeling so terrified to the point that I am oversleeping till 10.45, then messing around online, just so I dont have to think about them! Argh! Denial, denial, denial...

Just Remember...

• People will always surprise you.
• Life will sometimes amaze you.
• Other times it will bore you.
• You will shock yourself.
• For this reason, you will never quite know yourself.
• But we all like surprises every so often...
• You don't have to look very far to find something to inspire you
• Even less far to see something that makes you smile
• Contemplation is good, but don't take it too seriously.
• Fun is not illegal (well... not most types...)
• Life is bigger than a momentary set back.
• Momentary set backs can help you grow.
• Don't ever stop growing, learning, changing.
• Don't always take the easy road... it may be smoother, but the view won't be so great.
• Don't fear what's around the corner... revel in the surprise.
• People will always surprise you.

There. Bad blog, but I can't be bothered to make it flow. Therefore, bulletpoints! Love, xxx

On Life

The ups, the downs. The highs, the lows. The to and fros. From smiling to crying, whilst what, how and why-ing. Life. A never-ending confusion of questions, and changes and moments. Moving ones, awe-inspiring ones, life changing ones... and downright dull ones. Big things and small things. I suppose short things and tall things (to keep with the rhyming...). We are constantly changing, the world is constantly spinning... and sometimes we get dizzy. Need to sit down and just catch up with ourselves.

When I was a child, my brother and I used to stand in the garden and spin and spin until when we stopped, the world continued to spin before our eyes. We thought it meant we could see the Earth spinning. Wrong as that was, we enjoyed that spin. We enjoyed a speedy pace of life, when friendships and interests and fads came with as much ease, and as great a moving on rate as the wind. The air was never stagnant, and the constant moving on of life was thrilling.

As I have got older, I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with the changes. With the speedy pace of life. Sure enough, a lot of aspects of life have slowed, and sometimes, yes, the air does get stagnant and it is all I can do to stop myself from standing up and spinning again. To try and get it to move on. But mostly I am just terrified, and excited, by the speed at which we move into each and every stage in life. Only yesterday I was that 8 year old spinning in her garden. Now I am 20, nearly 2/3 of my way through University, and about to face the prospect of living in the real world. I won't be able to crawl into a book, a film, a diary or an MSN conversation for hours, days, weeks at a time. I will have to choose my life, and live it! This is not a bad thing... but it is a daunting one! And of course, we can change our lives right up until the moment we die... but as I said, the older we become, the harder it is to jump from one thing to another... changing horses midstream, so to speak.

Then we must hold on to what is constant. But what is constant? Our beliefs? No... they develop, they are questioned, they grow. Our selves? They change too. Then what? I don't know. Ultimately, it is important just not to get caught up in the whirlwind, let your life fly by with options and choices and fear of change. Rather, live it. It will challenge you. It will hurt you. But it will do so much more than that.

Hate life or love life, we all have to live life.

Of Things BIG And small...

I find it interesting that so very often, it is not the big things in life that will make you stop and think. It is not the big things that change your mind. It is the little things that make you cry, make you wonder, make you 'redefine your outlook'. It is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Why? Okay, maybe its a seemingly obvious explanation... as any mathmetician, I am sure, would agree if you add up enough small numbers you will eventually get to a significantly larger one. Similarly in life, a series of small events, thoughts or conversations (depending on the example) will ultimately, though not always, granted, join together to cause the greater effect.

I suppose if you keep adding up each and every component, you will eventually get something that is vaguely 'you'-shaped. Or that resembles a picture of your life. Perhaps it is a pointless excercise to try and break everything down into smaller, itty-bitty fragments until you are left with a puzzle you can't put back together. Or maybe we are forever trying to put together a puzzle that is undone when we come into this world.

Again, I don't know. Perhaps, I should let life be as it is, stop wondering about it, or merely pondering aloud in a ramble-some fashion, and just get on with it! Anyway, at the end of all that I have two more things to say. Firstly, I need to stop this overuse of certain words ('anyway', 'ultimately', 'exciting' etc.) Secondly, a question:

Is life what we make of it?

Is this all?

Goodnight, xxx

A-Whoooo Arrrrre A-Youuuuuu?

Surely this is a question most of us will ask of ourselves at some point in our lives? Surely it is one that many will ask on a regular basis...

It is a topic that has come up in conversation quite a few times, with regard to whether one can ever really, trully know oneself, or another... My stance has generally been that (at least at this time in my life, when so many lives are being lived: Home, School, Uni, Work... different worlds within worlds) I am not sure who I am...

I know the 'me' that lives in my head, and generally thinks too much and is a little bit lazy. I know the 'me' at home, amongst my family. I know the 'me' with Uni friends, and I know the 'me' with school friends. However, these people do not always coincide... not because I am ever being fake at any point, pretending or putting on a show... but simply because, and I am sure many of you will have to admit that you do this too, we do act differently according to the people we are with. So what is the relevance of this? Well, if you are all these different people, albeit with some definite similarities, how do you decide who the real 'you' is? Is this a concept we can really uphold, or is it a pointless, self-indulgent task we carry out to try and form some glorified image of ourselves as decent, generous, moral, intelligent, kind, unselfish human beings?

Ultimately, I think we all have an image of the person we would like to be... a list of attributes we would like people to name in their descriptions of us (funny, kind, intelligent, generous, deep, sensitive... etc etc, you know the drill). However, and not to be pessimistic here, I am sure we will all agree that none of us really fit that picture. Maybe we shouldn't ever... we must always strive to be a better person than the one we are right now.

Anyway, back to the 'who-are-you' issue. How would you describe yourself... by rather external, or physical attributes such as 'Psychology student at Durham, female, brown hair, home town in Devon, works at Tchibo etc...' or more mentalistic attributes such as 'caring, intelligent, thoughtful... etc'? Maybe a mixture of the two? What is it that really makes you you? There are probably about 200 female psychology students in Durham with brown hair AT LEAST. Some of them may well come from Devon. Whilst I know none of them work at Tchibo, I know that 4 other people do. So this cannot suffice in a description of me... but then the same goes for the other attributes.

Maybe it is a combination of the two? Or maybe it is just something that will never be expressable in words? Maybe it just really does not matter.

The last one though, I think I will say just isn't true, at least for many people- why do you think Psychology is such a lucrative business to get in to? Why have so many people gone on some mission to 'find themselves'....? I just don't think they need to go all the way to India. Rather, take a good look in the mirror, have a good think about your life, your beliefs and your values, and go and talk to a good friend. Ultimately... the looks? They constantly change... so can't sum you up. Your friends? Hopefully you will be luck enough that they don't change all that often, but the relationships you have with them will, and their view of you will develop over time as you do. As will your personal view of yourself.

We are not born complete. We grow... throughout our lives. When our bodies stop getting taller at 18, we... and whatever it is that makes us, us... continues to develop. Our experiences shape the people we become, we learn things, we assimilate. If we are lucky enough to know some extraordinary people, they too may shape who we become. Maybe you are lucky enough to know an ordinary person, who will have an extraordinary impact on your life... No, scrap that... everyone we deal with will ultimately have some bearing on who you are. Some people more so than others, that is all...

So what can I conclude from this? Everything and nothing. It's basically a load of drivel, which means nothing, dressed up to sound a bit pretty. But at the same time, it has given me opportunity to think, appreciate and I suppose accept. We must take the good with the bad, learn from it all, and hopefully come out the other end as better people. Appreciate all those who are in your life because no matter who they are, what they are or how old they are, I guarantee you they will be able to teach you something in life. But most importantly, we must accept the person that we are, see the flaws, but also see the plus points. The striving for something greater in oneself doesn't mean you began as a failure- it just means that you are human.

Moving not so swiftly on...

Another day, another topic... I think the lst has run its course, and like Tim, I m bored of it...

I am suuuuure there are lots of other mildly controversial discussions we can start...

• Should we learn from yesterday, live for today or plan tomorrow? Or should we do all of these?
• Is it better to regret something you have done, then something you haven't? Should we regret, or simply learn? Are these the same thing?
• What, ultimately, is it most important to be in life? Honest? True to yourself? Moral? Smart? Generous? Rich?!
• Possibly the most burning question of all... did I write this just as an excuse to use the cool bullet point feature on my blog?

Possibly maybe. By which I mean yes... so no obligation to answer any of the above stupid philosophical meanderings in what I suppose Taj would call the land of the questioners?

Hrmmm. it is too late for coherency and thus, without further ado, I shall head for my bed.

Wow. I actually just fell asleep, for real... That's quite amusing! Night!

Don't read into this... it means nothing!!!

Okay. Lets try and get back to my original point. What I really was saying is that we sometimes have a tendency to look for meaning beyond the simple ones something already has. Yes, everything has 'meaning' as you may want to define it. What I was referring to, which yes is subjective, was the more profound, deeper meaning we may search for. Take, for example, a poem... we as readers may take something from the verse, above and beyond anything that the poet originally intended. We may search and search for the profundity hidden between the lines, only to realise it just isn't there. It is what it is, and that is its meaning...

So I suppose it was wrong, and a little confusing to use the term 'meaningless'... but right in saying "there are some things that it is pretty impossible to place meaning in."
By which I mean a secondary meaning so to speak- a subtext- an underlying thought.

I guess my point was that although we should never judge any book by its cover, at the same time, sometimes there is nothing to read between the lines.

Hrmmn. Hope that clears it up!!! And I apologise for my consistent use of tacky, cringe-worthy metaphors!

Now I must sleep as I have to be up in... four and a half hours. Wooooo! xxxx

You've got facial hair like a polar bear...

Sometimes I go through phases writing a diary... sometimes I write blogs. Sometimes I write nothing at all. Often I have a lot of thoughts, but nothing to say. Often I have no thoughts, and write reams. Sometimes I start out with both, and like a dusty CD player get stuck half way through. Jumping paragraph to paragraph.

I don't really know what I'm writing in this case. I think I am in the lots of thoughts, not a lot to say stage. Frustratingly little, which makes writing a blog that actually has some worth is like... well, like Mission Impossible!

I guess the problem is, if you try and look for a meaning in everything, try to see a poignancy or a piece of obnoxious, over-the-top philosophical thought in all that happens, all that you think, hear and see... well you will be let down. Some things are just as they are. They do not pretend, happy to be frivolous, and not necessarily worth anything more than the passing enjoyment they provide.

Ok, even I am now losing sight of what I mean. I guess this is a follow on from my last post; sometimes we need to stop looking for meaning, purpose etc, and just get on with it!

However, I do still have some questions... like whatever possessed any record company to sign on Daphne & Celeste? Really! A song just made up of rhyming insults. Insane (like a weather vane).

I'm going to do a little jump now (as I warned I do ocassionally... okay, often do)... how brilliant are old songs! I love them. I guess there is something terribly comforting about sneaking back into a world you left behind, and just settle, I guess, into some good old memories.

Here's to the simplicity of the past (because it's over) and the hope of the future (because it's yet to come)...

Life. A piece of cake?

I don't know what I want to do with my life. There; I said it. It scares me... terrifies me... that I just do not have clue. I could tell you the romantic notions that I occasionally entertain, but none of these are realities. At least, not how I'd like them to be. That isn't pessimism, but realism. If we all lived with our heads in the clouds, we'd be too busy bumping into one another than to actually live life! And I suppose that is what it is all about... living life... We have certain ideas... whether they be society's, your family's or just yours... we all have ideas of what a life should be. What ingredients are needed to, excuse the corny metaphor, bake the perfect cake that is your life on a plate. But, as Marie Antoinette said, we can't have our cake and eat it too.

I beg to differ. Well, Marie Antoinette did; what she actually said was 'let them have cake'. Which I suppose leads me neatly to my next point. There are two types of people... those who aim to make their lives in a way that is as good for them as possible, and those who see the improvement of other people's lives as more important than their own. Those who work for money, and those who work for meaning. I would like to be the latter... but, just like many of humanity, I suffer the overindulgent greed that somewhat sours the idea of little rewards for great efforts. But maybe I am being hard on myself. Like I said; I just don't know.

Maybe I will never know; does that matter? Well to me, yes! If I were to spend my life aimlessly wandering, searching for direction and cause... I would miss it! And I would give nothing to the world. But maybe I am asking these questions too soon. What is too soon... and how will I ever know? There are so many questions, no answers, and I am now just writing words for the sake of writing them. So is that what I should do in life... live it for the sake of living? Plod along whatever paths seem obvious, question little and worry not? Well that's just not in my nature. I am unashamedly inquisitive. That's not true.. I am not unashamedly so.

Ultimately, this whole thing is a farce. I feel so darned apathetic to everything right this second, that I couldn't care less about any of it. In fact, the things at the top of my list at the moment are that I can't feel my tongue (bonjela), and annoyance with OpenOffice, as it doesn't automatically capitalise 'I' (important right this second, as the use of 'I' is very frequent in all of this... see next sentence...). I guess that makes me a very lucky person, and I do appreciate that, and perhaps I should be less flippant about it all.

As I said, I just don't know...

Back once again...

Many returns... many... firstly, mine to Durham (via the wonderful town that is Harrogate)... secondly my laptop! Yay! Soooooo good to have it back. Seriously. To the point of being a little bit loserish. Ah well. And the return of others... Emma, Taj, Helen... later on Tim... in a few days more. Its nice.

Not so nice... my return to work... blegh. Boring. But nevermind.
Nor my return to revision. Or 'revision'. Or pretending to revise.

Though I've done lots, seen lots, thought lots and heard lots since my last post I have neither the energy, nor the memory to write it all down.

And now Emma and Taj are back, so Im going... apologies for a mindless, pointless blog...

Maybe later I'll post some pictures of Prague.

Maybe not.

xxx

Loud Noises!

Nothing much to say or report today... this is purely being written as a tool for procrastination against the revision I am yet to start.

The world in Devon is a noisy place today... my little brother is shouting something about toy dogs... my mum is mowing the lawn, some people who are doing up a patio are playing 'demon radio'.... they cant get a signal so what would normally be Radio 1 has morphed into some evil sounding, muffled and crackly noise at high volume. Add to this bangings from hammers and things it is all in all remarkably un-peaceful, quiet and serene... which is a turn around from the norm... which is usually relative silence, save the birdsong and sound of a distant cow or two...


Anyway, I'm off now to beat Adam at ping pong... xxx

Fernworthy Reservoir

Yesterday was rather a brilliant day... much of it was spent just talking to family, or playing pingpong with them...

In the afternoon, however, we took the dogs for a walk round Fernworthy Reservoir, up on Dartmoor. It is a trully beautiful place, free from the sound of cars and full of the sound of birdsong... It seemed magical in the 6 o'clock sunlight. So we walked for a couple of hours, just soaking in the glorious views and sounds etc... then to top it all off, we went for a cool pint of magners at the local pub in Chagford...

A lovely day! Hope all of you are well... xxx

Lots of catching up to do...

So it's aaaaaaaaaaaages since my last post, and I have reached the stage where I can't be bothered to post, as I have to go over what has happened in the past few weeks since the 22nd March...

But I shall try... First, my birthday was awesome, so thanks to all of you who made it so... had a yummy chinese lunch and lots and lots of vodka with family guy and a couple coctails out in the afternoon/evening... generally a chilled out birthday, but good fun. So yay! Presents always good too, hehehe.

Which leads me smoothly onto Prague, part of which was a present for my birthday from my family, very nice of them indeed. Anyway, Prague was.... fantastic... and I'm sure many of you who read this have by now received my dreadful, scrawnily, illegibly and incomprehensibly written postcards... I do apologise, and can only claim that fact that they were writted after a night of one too many cocktails at Zulu (the best bar in Prague, with generous servings and low, low prices), and literally no sleep all night long (instead we went for a posh breakfast at Cafe Louvre, which involved hot chocolate that was actually just melted chocolate in a cup, and scrambled eggs with smoked salmon.... yummy). Anyway... so apologies! But yes, Prague was brrrrrilliant (extra ice etc etc), and I feel I have fully embraced Cafe Culture...

Not so sure about the topless play we went to see though... hrmmmn... and now it sounds worse than it was, but I shall leave you to ponder!

Anyway, when I got back to Durham I had a brief interlude which involved rowing boats, Ellie and her brother, and being cooked for by Tom and Jenn. Also good! Then, on Thursday I came home to the sunny, sunny land of Devon, which has been trully wonderful, seeing my family again and enjoying their company. Yesterday was spent somewhat lazily, enjoying Monopoly and card games and the sunshine... today was a bit more exciting... we went to a castle at Dunster (there are loads of castles in Devon, but this was in Somerset and particularly nice), walked around the amazing building, saw the pretty grounds, ate a yummy lunch and generally enjoyed feeling touristy and familyyy and just nice. So yay!

There... a brief account of my past few weeks...

I hope that all of you have had equally enjoyable times, and that I will soon get a chance to catch up with y'all... alas, my laptop is still AWOL, and forecast is not good.

But, not to leave on a sad note... Happy Easter! and Speak Soon! Love, xxx

The day before the big 2-0

Well kids, in approximately 22 minutes and 27 seconds from now (approximately) I shall be turning 20... I shall say goodbye to all those teenagery things I never really indulged in, and some which I did. Some I shall retain for future use...

I'm not really hugely excited though... maybe I'm at that age when birthdays are a bore and you don't really care (yeah, right), maybe in some weird effort to deny the fact that (thanks, Tim) I will be closer to 40 than to birth I am not truly thinking about it... or maybe I'm just not bothered...

SO what am I doing to see in my 20th Birthday? Well as the clock ticks midnight and the day switches over from the 22nd to the 23rd... I'll be doing bugger all. There is nothing on tv, no one in the house and nothing to do...

Tomorrow I'm goign to chinese for lunch, followed by some celebratory drink or two and possible going outness.

ANyway, should be good.

Im sure I possibly should be reflecting on my past 20 years... the true meaning behind celbrating each passing year...

but as I said, I'm not feeling all that bothered.

Havent posted in ages, as have nthing much to say... not to mention very sporadic internet

Anyways, see you all when I'm 20!!! xxx

3rd March

I don't really have much to say... this is more a procrastination tool than a place for expression.

I've been at work today... and I have to say (and this may sound odd)... I really love children. Really do. I love their eagerness, their excitement at the world, they are easily upset, but also easily pleased... they will smile back if you smile at them; many adults can't find the time. I love that they are cheeky in a way that is adorable... this one little boy, who was 18months old (I asked) kept pulling this hilarious face, which made him look serious, only you could see he was trying not to smile at us. Children are so beautifully simple, so wonderfully uncynical.

Anyway... as I've been typing this, the sky has turned from being blue... to deep pink. It's trully amazing how stunning and awe inspiring something so 'everyday' can be. But there youhave it.

I hope everyone is well, and happy... and that you remember what we can learn from children, and to occassionally look skywards.

x

Music and Lyrics

We all listen to music.. every day. We all have our favourite songs, artists, lyrics. We all have songs that mean something to us, remind us of something, make us feel a particular way.

How often do we really listen to the lyrics though? Really think about what we are singing along to means? So today, take just one song... which has special meaning for you, and really go investigate the lyrics. Find out what they mean, not just to you but also to the person who wrote them. You never know, the song may just take on a completely new direction... you may be dissapointed, but what is more likely is that you will be introduced to a whole new idea, or take on the song that pushes it into another... dimension?

Maybe I am being over the top. But think, I know that at least for me, music has a special place in my life, and I couldn't do without it! So just for a few minutes, give it all of your attention, and take the opportunity to really appreciate it, and what the artist/writer wanted to get across to you...

And, just so you know... my song was Walking in Memphis, Marc Cohen.

Eggs

Today an old couple were shopping in Iceland, and they obviously wanted some eggs. In Iceland the free range eggs are on the top shelf, which is quite high, and despite his best efforts the old gentleman could not reach them. No one helped them, and they did not settle for Iceland's 12 pack of battery chicken general horribleness. Therefore, they left without eggs.

For some reason this brought tears to my eyes. That's the kind of person I am. I don't know what this says, but there you have it.

Sometimes...

Sometimes things are simpler than they seem. Sometimes they are not.
Sometimes people mean the things they say. Sometimes they do not.
Sometimes people said the things you hear they did. Sometimes they did not.
Sometimes it will all be fine. Sometimes it will not.
Sometimes you can see the negative and never the positive. Sometimes the niggling optimism of a positive view can no longer be ignored.
Sometimes its better to forget what you don't understand, and believe what you hope to be true.
Sometimes life gets too hard to pretend anymore that it is fine. But that is when we must turn to one another, to someone... and they will tell us that life is like that. Sometimes.

Sometimes all we can do is take a step back, a deep breath and a fresh perspective. Sometimes this will help, sometimes it wont.

Sometimes we must endeavour to be a little more aware of the consequences that our actions have. Sometimes we must act without thought. But only sometimes.

Sometimes we must do... instead of promising yourself that you will do it sometime...

Sometimes you must trust what you cannot prove, cannot see and cannot be reassured upon. You must have a blind faith in some things. Because otherwise what and who can you trust?

Sometimes it seems easier to let it all get to you, to give in and to break.

No one ever said the road was easy though. Sometimes its the hard times that teach us the most.

Sometimes.

Procrastination

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
.It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

5 points if you can name where it's from...

"It was icy as hell and I damn near fell down. I don't even know what I was running for- I guess I just felt like it. After I got across the road, I felt like I was sort of disappearing. It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road."

I don't know why, except that I kind of like it...

So tired

That I can't really work out which day it is. I have a billion things to do, but not one iota of the energy to do them...

On the otherhand we do have a lovely, clean house for 6 for next year... which will be my last year in Durham which terrifies and upsets me more than it probably should. I am just not ready for reality!

x

Tidy Room

I am here, on my bed, gazing at the marvel that is a clean room. Freshly hoovered, cleared, sorted and generally dealt with. It's a wonderful sight, and a brilliant feeling. This said... it took me all of 40 minutes to do. I wish the arrangement of self could be so speedily completed. I'm in a very strange mood tonight... and cannot decide whether life and thoughts etc are very complex, or really very simple. I can't decide whether I'm feeling content, anxious, excited, nostalgic or what... I just don't know. I'm not despairing, I'm in a pretty good mood. But equally, I confuse myself! I would like to be able to order my mind in the way that I did my room... to hoover up the dust, throw out the rubbish and arrange the various scraps of paper, on which are scrawled all the pieces that make up my life. A quandry indeed, but on the other hand, I sometimes feel that I should stop questioning, accept it for what it is and 'carry on regardless'. I don't know if any of these sentences actually flow together, but if they don't it's just an example of the broken nature of a thought... of a life, really.

But anyway

enough of the rubbish! I'm starting to get cold (I'm on the bed, not in it), and my elbows are hurting (I'm leaning on them), and I am tired... so I shall say goodnight, with a question...

Are we complex... or are we actually very simple? Should we continue to question?

I guess one way that you could look at it is, if I never tidied my room, eventually I would a) not be able to open the door, b) not be able to find anything and c) very likely be plagued by insects and rodents. Not a pleasant thought...

Snow

Ok, so I know I was very drunk last night, and that maybe my reaction was partly due to that, but... as I was walking home at about 2am after a lovely night, my feet a little worse for wear, it began to snow. Really heavily. It had already snowed a little earlier in the night, and the roads, pavements, grass, houses, cars and trees were all covered. As was I, increasingly. Thanks to my alcohol coat, I didn't feel the cold, but I was touched by just how astoundingly beautiful snow is. At that time of night, the roads were empty, and the world was silent... all there was was me walking up the hill, and the snow, falling gently covering all the marks that we have left upon the world. Maybe this is why I think snow is so wonderful... it acts like a big blanket that hides all the ugliness that humanity has produced in order to 'get around, and get along'. Or maybe, it is just simply that it is beautiful... soft and slow. I don't know. I sound a little stupid now, I'm sure, but nevermind. It was a moment that caught me, and I guess I just wanted to reiterate what has already been put in other blogs... just remember to occasionally stop, and look around. Don't get too caught up in life, to forget the world in which you are living. That it has beauty beyond any which we could create. It is simple and it is wonderful, and it should be appreciated.

xxx

World's worst blog

So I thought I better update my blog, as I haven't in a little while. That said, I don't really think I have much to say. Thus, I apologise for the possible (and likely) ensuing, illegible ramble...

What have I been up to the last week or so? Not much? A lot... I don't know... went to Planet on Friday which was, as always, fun. Ummm... went to the quiz last night which was also fun, and we got 40/60.. not bad...

Wow, I am feeling really uninspired. Which is odd, because I don't really feel that way, I just can't put it down in (virtual) paper..

I'll go now. Sorry bout that!

Well its been a while since my last post, and so much has happened, I can't even remember it all! And that has nothing (well, little) to do with my alcohol consumption... so what has happened...

Well Henry came to visit on Wednesday... ye-eah! It all started with world's hardest pub quiz (over-exaggeration, ok) and some wine... then was formal on Thursday... Burns night! Yay! So much fun, so good, though too much wine and loss of campus card/debit card/rail card and £10. Which wasn't so good. But overall a brilliant night!

Then last night was Planet of Sound, for which Henry and I were joined by Ellie and Tim (Price). Another very good night, though a combination of tequila slammers and vodka jelly.... not so good. Very drunken, but loads of fun. We spend pretty much the whole time on Trance, and it was an amazing set, given by guest DJ Graham Gold. Anyway, so good night... with maybe exception of digital cameras and errrr... yeah. No, great night. Loving the curly fries! Hehehehe.

I'm sure lots more has happened in the last two weeks, but I can't even remember! x

14 January 2007

Exactly a week since my last post, I believe, and lots has happened! First, last Thursday, Emma, Tim and Taj moved back into Crossview Terrace. Yay! Since then has ensued a great few days of eating together, drinking waaaaay too much wine and watching films etc. Good fun, and great to have people back. Katie, Alex and Oli arrived back today- Yaaaaay! This is really pointless of me to write this, given that everyone who reads this (if anyone), is one of those mentioned above.

But anyway, the whole point of this is puuuuurely to procrastinate... I have a summative due on Friday, so of course I am spending my time not doing it. It's the right thing to do...

Anyway, I know that when I started writing this a few hours ago, I had a point and possibly even something to say... but since then I have been to the Duke of Welly and I've forgotten. And Katie and Emma are playing Ms Pacman, and its far more interesting! Even so, just is nice to have everyone back, and am looking forward to the new term, the new year and so on!

Maybe not so many 5 bottles of wine nights... x

Momofuku Ando

As a student, I have come to appreciate the power of the Pot Noodle. The Supernoodle. The Tesco Value instant chicken noodles, only 8p a pack. In fact, I would be willing to bet that instant noodles are a valued part of most Students' lives. Lets face it, we live on them, have lived on them, or will live on them at some point. And we generally love them. Therefore, I would like to take a moment just to appreciate them, and the man who invented them, Mr Momofuku Ando (cool name), who died today in Japan, aged 96. Mr Ando, we commend you and your super-fast yummy snack inventingness! Thank you!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6237013.stm

Blogging

It's a very strange thing, blogging. It, at least for me, seems to be a weird mix of a diary, a process of random thoughts and observations, and a load of rubbish... and yet it is not quite any of these (with the possible exception of the latter). It's not a diary- I don't write everything here, and don't put what I've done every day, and certainly don't reveal every single thought and emotion and feeling I am at that moment experiencing (mostly)... but I do put something into my blogs, they are real... or something. I don't know if this makes sense, but I just think it's strange, because they can't really be properly classified. Either way, I have realised that i have been blogging for about 9 months now, on and off, and I think that's an achievement! I have always been so SO sporadic in my diary keeping, sometimes writing them religiously, other times forgetting them for years! So I am very happy that what has been one of, if not the most extraordinary year of my life, for both the good times and the bad, has been to some extent kept record of on this little website. Where maybe 2 other people in the world read it. Still, strange but cool.

In other news, it is my very last day in Devon for the time being, as I am off to Durham tomorrow! And working on Saturday... and I have tonnes of Uni work to do too. So, it won't be all fun and games, but I am looking forward to being on CVT once more, with good old Diana the clock, the freeview television, my huge bedroom, and my gigantic bed! Ahhhh... Durham. Kinda like a good cup of tea... some of the time. It has become a second home for me, and I gladly return...

That is not to say that I am glad to leave home... I have had a wonderful christmas on the whole, despite the few hiccups, and I have really enjoyed being with my wonderful family... though I feel I probably have not appreciated them these last two weeks as much as I should have, and I probablyhaven't spent as much time with them as I should. But nevermind.... The point is... I guess.. how lucky am I to have not one, but TWO homes in which I love to be, where there are people I love, and where I can find warmth and fun and... life!

Anyway, I shan't keep you any longer... see you up North! Love, xxx

How!?

How is it suddenly 2.30am and I no longer have the energy or inspiration to write anything of interest!!!

Time, eh?

xxx

Cornwall

Today I went to what has to be one of my favourite places in the world (of what I've seen). It is a place that, for me, holds many dear memories of family holidays, being young, innocent and optimistic, full of hope and family and future. That makes it sound as if I no longer have these things, which I am not saying... I am still young, I try to be optimistic (and think I am more so than I may let on), and I believe I'm relatively innocent... but anyway, I digress. The point is that Cornwall, in particular Polzeath and surrounding areas, holds many happy memories for me. Not to mention the fact that it is a beautiful coastline... So anyway, yes I went there today... we had a lovely lunch in a pub in Port Gavern, which is a tiny, untouched village right on a little beach. Afterwards, we drove to Polzeath beach, where we took the dogs down to the water and ate ice cream in the freezing cold, buffetting wind and driving rain. The waves were huge and violent and, for want of a better word, inspirational.

We then took a walk along the cliffs to Pentire head, with the wind blowing (what felt like) 100mph, and gigantic waves crashing into the rocks beneath us. Completely awe inspiring and amazing. At points the wind was so powerful that you could lean into it, and it would hold you up, keep you from falling. There is something about that, and just the general force of nature, and the stark beauty that it can have, that has touched me today, and that is the reason why I love this place so much. I am sure it is the same for many places along the coastline, but for me... this is it. Anyway, just thought I'd share...

In other news... On Wednesday, my family and I went down to Milverton (a village near Wellington in Somerset) to have lunch with relatives (varying from 94yr old great aunt to 21yr old second cousin, and everything in between) which was daunting, given that I had only met about 3 of them before, and only once before... but it was still good, and very important... family is.

Tomorrow some very good friends of our family are coming to stay for the New Year period, which I am really looking forward to... so all in all, all is good! I hope everyone else is well!

Love, xxx

Merry Christmas One and All

There are a number of things that I have seen, heard or done over the past few days that have either moved or inspired me... sadly, I am now feeling very unarticulate, but I will try, nevertheless, to get across to you my point, which in itself, I think, is very simple.

If there is one thing in life, that we should be driven by, that we should strive for, and that we should grant each and everyone with, it is love. Love, for me, is of utmost importance. For me, the meaning behind Christmas and love are inseperable. And it is a time when families should be together, to share in their love for each other, and so on. So the first thing that got to me the past few days was talking to Oscar on the phone on Christmas morning, as he was in a taxi on his way to catch a plane to Florida with his Dad. It was really sad, as he really wanted to be with us as well, and couldn't understand why everyone wasn't together.

Then there was a phonecall to my Dad... I don't know if all you who'll bother to read this know the history with my Dad, but lets just say its complicated, and as a results, I haven't spoken to him probably for about a year. Anyway, the point of this was... the phonecall was very hard... I can't even begin to understand myself what it all meant to me, so I won't try and explain to you, but the point is, the phonecall was made. He is my father, and despite everything, I will always love him. And his love for us, and his family, means that despite his condition, he remembers certain details about us, and when we last spoke.

Today also, through Challenge Anneka (I know, how silly, right?) and a very moving programme about an Autistic child, I have been reminded again and again just how important love is... not only for your family, your friends, your partner... but for everyone...

We must all show love for one another, because at the end of the day, it's what we all strive for... with love comes recognition, respect, and all those other things we feel we need.

I think I've stopped making sense, and I am about to/already sound like a cheesy hippy, but I know what I mean and I just thought I should say it. Oh dear... but anyway, the point is I love you. xxx

Just to keep Tim happy...

I'm back in Devon now, where life is a little crazier, but the weather is warmer and the food is free. So all is good. I'm loving being able just to lie in bed and not do ANYTHING... it's very nice. However I will get up soon as I believe I'm meant to be going shopping later... hrmmn.

Other news? Ermmm... I'm getting sick, which is not good (which, by the way, I blame you for, Tim)... my next door neighbour's 3 yr old little girl is the sweetest, most adorable child you will ever meet... ermmmmmmmm

You see, this is why people shouldn't be forced into blogging when they have nothing to say!

Instead I will put in a picture of Durham in the ice, which I took yesterday, on my way up to the train station, as you do...

If you leave me now...

Well we've had our christmas day, and a wonderful trip to Edinburgh... now all that is left is for y'all to pack up your stuff and go. Only I will still be here... for another week. And shall return shortly, at the beginning of January. Woo.

But it just won't be the same without everyone here... the hustle and bustle of people... and I know I was here pretty much alone this summer (bar Taj and Tom), but then
i didn't know any different...

It'll be weird... eerily quiet. Anyways, what I really wanted to do was wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year... I look forward to starting the next term and next year with resolution, optimism and... something else, can't find the word.

I also want to thank you all for being an ear/shoulder/support to me in what have been some difficult times...

Have great holidays, and I'll see you in a month or so!

xxx

Under duress...

I am only posting to please a certain person. I don't really see the point of blogging when you really can't think of anything to say... when everything in your life at that moment in time seems so much greater than a, lets face it, self-indulgent, meaningless and trivial load of drivel.

I don't know. Life is strange... and sometimes it's too overwhelming to express that in Size 12 font.

Not that I am saying we shouldn't blog, or that the certain person was wrong to suggest that others do so a little more regularly... I'm just explaining why I haven't I guess. But I shall endeavour to do so more often. For now, it is too late (or early?) (3.20am)... and I have had too much of a day to make any sense. So for now, goodnight... xxx

Breathe

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe.

Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 AM)

Worries

Katie is right to say that we all like to grumble. We look for the little things that annoy us and point them out.

But maybe we do this as an act of denial. Whilst focusing on smaller, menial problems that aren't really problems we can ignore the fact that there are other things, bigger things that we should be thinking about...

We can address the fact that we are cold... we put on a jumper... or the fact that we hate early lectures...

But what about things that you just don't know how to fix? What about things that can't be fixed? It's frustrating, as someone who likes to be able to solve a problem, to have the answers, and to know what to do... it's frustrating to be utterly lost.

It seems that I am Cleopatra... Queen of Denial.

It's not just a river in Egypt.

Music

Music has always been something I have turned to when feeling lost, confused, upset, unhappy, lonely, angry, depressed etc.

Also when I am happy, but for now we shall concentrate on the above...

Music often has answers. When you are feeling lonely it will tell you 'you are not alone'. When you feel like giving up, it tells you to 'hold on'. That 'it just takes some time', that 'everything will be alright'.

But what happens when music doesn't have the answers. What then.

Where do you turn when you really are alone, you have no time, it won't be alright, and there is no happy ending, glass half full, silver lining land of fairy tale endings?

What then?

What if you are just lost?

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy

This is a quote from Dante, and I can't decide how true it is. On the one hand, it is true to say that to look back over what you've lost when you're feeling down is one of the worst things you can do. However, to look back over what you've been lucky enough to have, even though you have lost it... this should be comforting, surely? To be lucky enough to look back and smile, fondly recall times and places and people. Rather than not being able to name a single pleasant memory etc?

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone". But what happens when technically you are not alone, you have friends, family and so on, you love them, and they love you... what hppens when even then you feel alone? Are you greedy because it's not enough, or are you aware of this idea that Orson Welles put forth, or are you aware of the problems that exist.

What happens if you can see the problems, but you can't solve them. What if you don't even know why they are there, where they came from, or anything?

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for" (Daq Hammerskjold). I guess, then, that is all we have to hold on to.

One Hundred!

This is post 100! Woo!

Anyway, the party last night was lots of fun... and I finished my essay... and we now have digital T.V. working! Woo! Lots of good stuff!

I feel that as this is my 100th post I should make it extra special, but yeah, I can't think of anything...

Now I have to decide whether or not to go out tonight, and I really ought to get on with some more work... Grrrr

x

Party like its Post 99

I haven't blogged in ages, not because I've been overly busy doing wonderful and exciting... purely through laziness. Anyway, today I have returned to the blogging world for one reason only... procrastination. Not even mid-way through my essay, which I feel like I've been writing for a decade or two, and I am about ready to... I don't know, do something stupid out of desperate boredom. Instead I thought I'd post. As it happens, this is my 99th post, which is quite exciting, don't you think?

Anyway... is there anything worthwhile to tell you about the last weeks... probably not, nothing you don't all already know anyway. And what of the future... as good as my psychic powers are, I can't be sure of what's going to happen, though we are having a Halloween Party tonight, and I will be working next Saturday. Other than that, we shall have to wait and see.

Question for you all... if you could look into your future, would you want to?

That's all for now folks, now I might go arrange my underwear draw... xxx

VIB... Vicky Is ...

I can't think of what to put for the 'B', so I shall leave that for you to come up with... answers in the comments section please.
Today Emma moved in properly to No. 1, which is very exciting. We had a brilliant evening playing cards, listening to music (and, sorry guys, singing along) and chatting and it was good fun. Earlier in the day, Katie and I discovered a short-cut to the shop, we all visited Argos and we tidied the house a bit.

It's been a good day. x

Tea, anyone?

Today I've drunk lots of tea, eaten many biscuits, played cards and spent an excessive amount of time on the internet, just because I can now.

Katie and I also cleaned the house a bit, and figured out how to work the tumble dryer... so that's good.

Also tonight we watched 'V for Vendetta', which was very good, although it does mean that I will be going to sleep after 3am for the umpteenth night running, which is not very good.

But sacrifices have to be made, and the good news is that DUO is working for me once more.

xxx

P.S. I have noticed I have a tendency to overuse the word 'good', so apologies!

Yay for speedy internet!

After a day of wires and network connections, LAN settings, ISP addresses, and many more technical confusing things, Katie and I have finally managed to set up the internet in our house, wireless and hugely speedy!

It's sooo good... I'm on my bed right now, no wires... brilliant!

Anyway, that's it for now

Oh and welcome back to Durham all those who have returned now! x

Serial Killers and Sickness

Today I am not very well... what started out as just a cold has descended into either a 'very shitty' cold, or the flu. I'm all achey and ill and generally horrible.

So what better way to spend the day than reading about serial killers (my new book, it's very cool), playing Yahtzee and card games and reading gossip mags. Brilliant.

Now I'm going to email my mum and then I think we are watching a film. Bye, see some of you soon, x

Chinese, McSeriously good...

Well I had every intention of getting an early night last night, because I have been getting ill. That all fell to pieces, however...

First of all, I found out that the job that I had been given is no longer available, as they have 'frozen' all new employments or some such crap which basically means I HAVE NO JOB. Which seriously sucks. So, in that depressed light, we set off for Meghans for what was meant to be a bit of America's next top model, followed by early bed.

Twas not the case, however. After top model, Tom and Scott came over, joing Meghan, Liam, Katie and I... we had a few drinks, had a bit of a grey's anatomy marathon, played some yahtzee and ate some chinese takeaway. Great fun, but fun that didn't end 'till 5.30am, when I finally got to sleep. It was a very good night, though... so thanks to Meghan and Liam for the hospitality, and the Yahtzee!

Today Katie, Meghan, Liam and I went for lunch at dynasty for yet more chinese, but it was the perfect food for the afternoon after the night before. Yum. Then, Katie and I trawled shops for second hand books (of which I bought 3... for my course, of course!) and board games (I bought some dice, and Katie bought snakes and ladders). The rest of our day has been spent watching a film and playing Yahtzee (we tried Dominoes once, but they just didn't compete, so we reverted back to the faithful die).

All in all a good couple of days. Other than the no job thing. x

I am not

going to apologise for having a bad week. I'm sorry if my blogs have made people think that I think things that I don't, but I really don't. I'm sorry if people have been offended by anything I have written, or taken anything personally.

Maybe I should write a draft of my blog before I publish it, but I don't... I just write, and whatever I'm feeling at that moment will come out. So I'm sorry if I wrote things in a way that hurt people, it wasn't meant to be. This past week of blogs haven't been aimed at anyone or anything, I've felt a bit low, and I'm sorry about that... and I'm sick, and all, but I'm not holding back on anything or secretly holding hateful feelings towards anyone.

So please don't worry.

x

I have

come to the realisation that maybe it is better not to tell anyone anything, because that way you know that information won't be passed on. Also, its better not to ask anything, because then you don't get told things you don't want to hear. Though sometimes you can't stop someone from saying something. I don't know where I'm going with this. And I know that people will probably read things into this that they shouldn't, but that is the problem with saying anything.

I might become a mute.

Today is Saturday

and I am covered in ink.

Sometimes I feel like...

I'm slipping under and I just don't know how to stop myself.

I wish

There was a way that I could just make my head explode and then I wouldnt know akll the thgings i know, feel what i feel, think what i rthink

i would just be lost in oblivion

and ignorance would still be bliss

Job Searching and Sky

The past few days has consisted of...

Seeing Meghan who moved in on Sunday to her house on Mistletoe St.
Looking for jobs, applying for jobs, preparing for interview for job.
Watching family guy with Meghan and Scott at Scott's flat... and drinking maybe too much wine and gin... sorry guys if I was really incomprehensible.
Ironing.
Washing and cleaning.
Reading... though not for my course- I still don't have a reading list.
Watching Meghan's SKY T.V of which I am very jealous. I do, however, realise that if I were to have sky I would never get anything done what with watching all the 'Next Top Model' bitchiness, sitcom re-run comedy, films and other important things like... THE CRYSTAL MAZE. Which was a brilliant show.

Anyway. That's all folks, I'm gonna go fill out some application forms... xxx

Nothing...

It's funny... at home, despite the fact that I generally spent my days doing nothing, I always managed to find something to write in a blog, albeit probably meaningless, boring and a waste of all our time. Since coming up to Durham, still spending my days doing nothing, interspersed by the occasional job hunt, tesco trip, pub visit, or film viewing with Tom and Taj, I am finding it difficult to come up with anything to write about.

Having said that, I just wrote a whole paragraph on the fact that I have nothing to write. And now here, I have the beginnings of another paragraph on the fact that I wrote a paragraph on the fact I have nothing to write. I could go on. But I won't. Anyway, hope to talk to you all soon... I think I am missing human-human interaction (not, of course forgetting Taj and Tom...) or maybe I am just missing dear MSN.

I'll stop now, before I go too far. Love, xxx

More from Up North.

Still in Durham. What have I done the last few days?

Urm... cant remember when I last updated, buuuut... Kathy and Adam came to visit which was great, saw Oli yesterday briefly which was nice, went to the cinema with and stayed at Jo's house last night which was fun and did a trial shift at Persona today which was scary. I dont think Ill get the job, because lots of people applied, and a) I have no previous experience and b) my trial shift basically consisted of me doing nothing for three hours, because they were having a really dead day. Still, the girls there were very nice, the clothes very pretty... not to mention the shoes...

Hmmn.

That is all. For now. x

The One With The Brother And Sister

Not really copying Andy, have just watched a hell of a lot of Friends in the past week- like three series worth. I know. I know. This is why I'm hoping these jobs are going to come through. I put my application into Monsoon today... fingers double-triple crossed (ouch, but totally worth it).

Anyway, today (after a mishap with a cancelled train) Adam and Kathy, my brother and sister, arrived for a long weekend... yay! Having dropped off stuff at my house (yes- my house!) we went, with Taj, to Dynasty for a yummy chinese buffet, which was lovely. Then we walked around Durham a bit, came back... and here I am in Taj's house. He and Tom and Adam are engrossed in a geeky RPG gamey thing. Anyway- BOYS!

Tomorrow we are hoping to go to the metrocentre... which will be fun. So, for now... Byyyeee!! xxx

The Job Search

Still in Durham, still looking for jobs....

Although progress has been made on that front, in that I have actually applied to places... and plan to apply to more, and I have a CV (though not very impressive).

Biggest news is... MONSOON have a job going... this is a job I would kill for...

Seriously. I would. THINK of the staff discount. Anyway, I'm gonna go fill out the application form now, so byeee x

I am

back in Durham now.

Up, up and away...

Well here we are... tomorrow I head off on a train to Durham, with a ridiculously large amount of stuff, half of which I imagine I will never use. It's exciting- I can't wait to see the house, and daunting- living on my own for a month, and sad- saying goodbye to the family for who knows how long. Hopefully though, Adam and Kathy will be up to visit for the weekend, bringing with them... more stuff! That would be nice. Anyway, it's only a quickie 'cause I need my sleep (haha)... Just wanted to say byebye (and Hi to those of you newly returned) and etc etc. Don't know when I will be posting again... could be a couple days, a couple weeks, a couple months. Who knows... here's to the great unknown! May we embrace and relish it. xxx

Nightmare in Packingsville

Ok... I have about 35 hours until I am meant to be up and ready to head off to Durham. However, I am, as you may be aware, terrible at packing. Maybe worse than the me trying to choose an outfit kind of bad. No, nothing beats that. Anyway... yes, I am very bad. This is for two reasons. I begin the packing with the greatest of intentions... to pack light, and to pack neat. These, however, become my downfall. I get bored of folding, and indecisive as to what I really need. This means that my suitcase gets overstuffed, untidily, and full to burst with things I'll probably never need.

I am aware of this fault, but am helpless to do anything to stop it. It is just who I am. In this way I hate packing. On the other side of the coin, however, I quite enjoy it. I can turn the music up loud, let my mind wander as it's not a particularly engaging task, and get excited about where I am going.

This is the ambivalence of me.

x

Apologies

Sorry if i have come across in a very bad mood for the past few days. The truth is, I haven't been in a bad mood.. more of an emotional rollercoaster from content, to annoyed, to angry, to excited, to worried, to upset, to asleep. So... it's not really been a representational view. But nevermind. I haven't properly blogged for a while but I a) can't remember enough to and b) can't be bothered enough to go through my daily excitements (of which, I'm sure you can imagine, there are many... not).

On Tuesday of last week (as I blogged... I think)... we were planning to go down to Polzeath beach in Cornwall for the day (it's about an hour from here)... we being me, my mum, Adam, Kathy and Oscar, Diana (a friend of the family), Zander (her 15yr old son) and Nick (Adam's friend). However, fate was not on our side... or at least BMW weren't, and Diana's car broke down on the way. So we (after sitting on the roadside for 3 hours waiting for Mr. AA) turned round and spent the day at home instead. So our trip to Cornwall happened the following day, and despite being very windy it was a brilliant day, lots of fun in the sun and the sand and the sea... from the sand castles, to the fish and chips, to the bodyboarding to the pub meal in the evening, all very nice.

The next day I had an old friend from school, Steph, come over and we had a great time catching up on life, and realising how many people we had forgotten about!

What else has happened...
Yesterday... or the day before, I forget.. Diana and Zander went home, and Oscar was picked up by his father, to go on holiday for the next three weeks. The house seems very quiet now, but it is bliss. I have revelled in the peace, and consequently, have watched about NINE films since he left. OH DEAR. BUT BUT BUT it was a good thing as I rediscovered films that I love (such as Blow, which is Johnny Depp as a drug dealer... but really rather sad story) and discovered new films (such as The Notebook, which was brilliant... really liked it). Good all round.

Now my MOST exciting news is that I will be in Durham on Thursday- for the foreseeable future! Yay! Hopefully that entails me settling in to Crossview, and getting a job, and generally being organised.

This has been a long post, so I will leave you all now, with a final note of appreciation... to the wonderfulness that is.... fluffy socks. They are so satisfying. :) x

Grr

People can be so fucking awful.

Sometimes I really hate them.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Sometimes I really hate people. I'm sorry... I know that sounds bad, but they can really annoy me. I'm sure that I annoy people too, so don't feel too bad, but really! Argh! Sometimes it just pisses me off.

Grrrrrr.

And whoever keeps putting random Anonymous comments on my old blogs saying 'check out this link' etc could they stop it. Thankyou.

That is all.

Take Two...

Okay, so yesterday we didn't get to the beach, because one of the cars we were going in broke down. We were stuck on the motorway in the heat for three hours instead. Oh well. I still had a pleasant day playing ping-pong, swimming and stuff. Today we are going to head for the beach again, and luckily the weather is still brilliant. So here's hoping... x

Oops...

Apparently SO exciting I had to post it twice...

Exciting...

Today we are all going down to Polzeath beach in Cornwall. The sun is shining and it should be brilliant! Yay! xxx

Exciting...

Today we are all going down to Polzeath beach in Cornwall. The sun is shining and it should be brilliant! Yay! xxx

Hello one and all

You see, I told you I would be fine and I am. I have had a very enjoyable day... First going to Spittuwick (spelling is probably wrong) on Dartmoor, which is a place on the River Dart where you can picnic, swim, and (if the mood takes you) jump off a cliff into the water (the mood didn't take me, but I had a nice paddle around in the shallows). Anyway, that was all very nice. This evening my mum, Diana and I went to and outdoor production of 'Twelfth Night', which was BRILLIANT. Really well done, and in the most beautiful of settings. I feel very sorry for Malvolio though...
Bye, x

Today I discovered...

• If in the right mood, a single glass of red wine is enough to make me feel blurry at the edges.
• Boys really can't multitask (according to my 6 year old brother 'It's difficult doing 2 things at once')
• I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment.

4th August

I'm fed up. With everything. But I'm not eactly sure what to do about it.

Thursday (honest)

I'm really just blogging now in order to not miss a day. I don't have anything to say, or really feel like blogging.

I don't know why this wave of negativity has hit me, or what it means, but oh well. I shall (to be really corny and continue with a metaphor) wait for the tide to turn.

Here's to better things, to being in Durham soonish, and to... the future? Whatever it may hold.

Everything seems so close, but yet so far away. x

Some of the things that I love...

The feel of new pyjamas.
Dancing round the kitchen, with the radio turned up loud (and nobody's watching).
Singing at the top of my voice (when no-one is listening).
Falling into a comfy, cosy bed after a tiring, but pleasant, day.
Laughing with my sister in the swimming pool.
Watching the clouds, whilst on my back on the trampoline, listening to music.
Playing the piano and getting it right.
Hugs.
Surprises (good, nice ones).
A really good film. Okay... any film that will make me smile, think, cry, happy etc. Any film.
A really good book.
Travelling. Anywhere. Seeing new places, meeting new people, learning new things.
The smell of my mum's moisturiser (it makes me feel like a young child again, and safe).
Having my hair stroked (as above).
Family. When we are getting on.
The smell of horses.
Chocolate.
Walking round the lanes and footpaths near my house, appreciating the beauty of Devon.
Penguins. They make me laugh.

I think that will do for now. I don't want to go overboard on all this soppiness... though I probably already have! Sorry! xxx

Upon the subject of nothing...

Another day of nothingness, so another day of nothing to write in a blog. Today I am feeling... blurgh. I think that best describes it... it's not positive, but it doesn't mean it's negative either. It just is. I just am.

Having seeked advice as to what I should write about in today's blog, the answer I was given was the rather philosophical 'who knows'. Taken in a literal way, this statement, or question rather, is intriguing. It does not define what it is that is known, and there does not seem to be an apparent answer. I don't know who, as otherwise I would not ask the question. Evidently you don't know who, or you would have told me already. Who indeed, does know.

I know I'm not making sense any longer, but I had very little sleep last night, and this is an act of desperation to try and fill out an empty space when all I have to fill it with is, well, nothing.

That is my problem... nothingness.

Goodnight, x

Rain

Today it finally DOWNPOURED after weeks of glorious sunshine and heat (okay, so it may have been mildly drizzly the last couple days, but not proper rain)... that being said, the weather had very little bearing on my activities today as they were all (other than swimming and ponies) indoor orientated.

There was the sleeping. Then after the sleeping came the MSNing, email checking and breakfast/lunch eating. Then came a little mess around on the keyboard (sorry... "Digital Piano"). Then (as we had the house to ourselves) watching television with Oscar (Top Cat, Jerry Springer and the Munsters... in that order). Then came some swimming. Then came the rain. Then came more 'piano', more internet (online games with oscar) and more food. Following from this was the return of mum and Kathy, the cooking of supper, and the putting of Oscar to bed. Then the eating of supper, and watching of television. Newspaper reading. Then clothes changing. Now this.

Wow. It's amazing how if you bulk it out nothing at all can seem like quite a lot. Interesting. x

A Longer Post

As somebody objected to the length of my previous post, I shall elaborate more upon what I said earlier. That, and I always intended to reblog- I just wasn't sure I would have time/energy to do...

Lots and lots and lots has happened since I last properly posted. So much I can't even remember it all. Here is a brief rundown (as far as memory allows...) On Friday I made my way down (sideways really) to Norfolk and Meghan.. where I spent a very enjoyable couple of days eating ice cream, playing scrabble, making margheritas, shopping and watching (the, I now know, INCREDIBLE) Grey's Anatomy. Then, on Sunday, I made my way to London, and stayed the night with Ellie in Norbury. Where, incidentally, she lives. We watched films, ate more ice cream and drank vodka. Fun, fun, fun. On Monday I crossed London (having stopped in Croydon to see 'The Break Up' with Ellie- a bit of a stupid ending, I thought) (the film, not the weekend)... to Chiswick where my Aunt Sue now lives, and we went for a meal and had a good catch up which was very nice.

On Tuesday I returned to Devon. Here I have spent my time doing 'house stuff' like walking dogs, and entertaining a 'now on holiday' Oscar, and cooking... and swimming, watching Grey's Anatomy series 2 (thanks Meg!) and erm... no that's about it.

Sadly, I won't be off again tomorrow to Chester to see Tim and Ditt, and Tim's friend Ruth, as I, and my babysitting skills are needed here... Oh well. Such is life.

I'm in a weird positive isn't the world a really crap place to live mood. Strange

That's all folks, xxx

I'm back...

boo.

Muddled

I can't decide how I feel today, it could be... happy, sad, sorry, tired, content, excited, anxious, sick, worried, sleepy, warm, peaceful, cross, jealous, upset, lazy.

Maybe it is all of these things, I don't know.

Bye, x

That's better...

Hello people. Sorry I've been a bit of a misery guts recently... I promise to pull my self together, get my socks on, hang on in there and all those other cliche thingamajiggys. Thanks to all of you for being so nice to me. Anyway.. yes, so life is looking more positive... The sun is shining, I'm going away this weekend, I have the house to myself tonight, and there is a sale on at Monsoon. Hooray! xxx

Today...

Sorry.
Smile.
Stupid.

Sometimes life just makes you want to give up

Heartbreaking. Fuck.

Nothing much to say...

Just to make a change, eh? I thought, as I weirdly missed out posting yesterday, that I'd better do it now, in case life gets in the way again tonight. Only problem is, I've only been up for forty minutes or so, and in that time have only had time to have a shower and get dressed. Which doesn't exactly lead to an interesting description, or a readable blog.

So, what can I write about? I don't know... maybe you can use my lack of blog, as a space in which you can reflect upon stuff... or something. How does that sound?

Bye for now, xxx

"Swings and Roundabouts"

It's odd: the way that life works in 'swings and roundabouts'. How you can be up one minute, and down the next. On top of the world, only for life to firmly pull the carpet from underneath your feet. The last few days, and weeks really, have been very rollercoaster ride-ish: swinging from dizzying highs, falling to desperate lows. Today, though, I have decided that an optimistic view is the only one to take, so I will forget, for now, about my worries and woes, and concetrate for a minute upon what has happened today that is good, or great!

1) I spent a lovely day with my sister, Kathy, moseying around town
2) We went to the cinema, which is always fun
3) And saw Johnny Depp (on screen, not in person sadly!)... yay!
4) I (fingers crossed) extended my overdraft which should mean £500 more- woo!
5) While taking the dogs for a walk I was reminded just how brilliant and beautiful my home is
6) While putting Oscar to bed I was reminded just how brilliant and bright he is
7) I had a good philosophical discussion with my Mum and Aunt, which was nice
8) I bumped into an old friend in town, and she later called me and that was great!
9) We arranged to meet up next week, which is something to look forward to!

You see... without me even realising it, there is SO MUCH for me to be thankful for, and to smile about... It's not until you start to concentrate on the positive that you realise, no matter how down and out you are feeling, there is always, ALWAYS, something in life to smile about... and it doesn't matter how small it is, or how seemingly meaningless.
And after all, one of the best things about life is being able to smile.
Therefore.. everyone SMILE! I love you all, xxx
Even Johnny is smiling...

Picture post... sunny Devon!

My house, and garden... sadly the sunlight has made this picture gloomy. Oh, and that's Moley the dog in the foreground.
A castle/tower thing nearby... apparently you can get married there, which I think would be amazing! It's so pretty.

A view. Typical Devon. Lovely sunny day too! My house is in there somewhere... you can just see the rooftop I think!
And, erm... another view.

Now you see why I love this green and pleasant land.
Especially when the weather is great! Love, xxx

Oops

Haven't posted for a while... don't know why, I've had time, and probably things to say, I just haven't felt like it. Anyway, I'm posting now... how are you all?

I can't be bothered to write down the ins and outs of the last few days to you all... suffice to say there is lots of family stuff going on at the moment, and I am spending a lot of time thinking about things.

Durham seems a million miles away now. Like I never was there, like I'll never return.

Anyway, I'll probably post more tomorrow, love etc xxx

Ma famille

My family. An odd bunch, but I love 'em.

Today is my Dad's 50th birthday. Goodness knows how he has made it to 50, but he has, and I am thankful. Anyway, so, on account of it being his birthday, and just because it is something that we really should do more often, we phoned him. I haven't spoken to him since christmas, which makes me feel really bad.. because I am lucky that he is alive, and so I feel I should strive more to get to know him. The thing is, I am selfish, in that the awkwardness and the enormity of it all scare me. So I don't. Which is really bad. Therefore, I resolve to get over this and (Tim will like this) do more often 'one thing that scares' me.

Also today, I went along to Oscar's sports day. It was really sweet to see all these little kids working together in teams to complete each task (rather than traditional high jump etc they had team orientated things, and did things together...), the older ones taking charge, and looking after the younger ones. It was so good to see (and now I'm going to sound old) youthful innocence and eagerness and simplicity. It is nice to think back to that time when we were young, and although we didn't appreciate it at the time, life was so much less complicated, and we weren't made cynical by the world around us, or by experience.

Having said that, we must all grow up... we must all leave behind the relative cocoon that is childhood and embrace the freedom and the responsibility that comes with adulthood. I just think that sometimes, we should remember childhood... be thankful for how far we have come, thankful for the time we have left, for the opportunities that have arisen, and will continue to do so, and for the lessons we have learnt.

There you go... I guess you could say that the oldest male and the youngest male in my family have both taught me lessons today, and given me something to think about. Which is good, because I like to think.

Love you all, xxx

4th July

Today is independence day in the U.S.

What does independence mean... not on a country, governmental scale.. but a personal scale... to the individual.

On the one hand I suppose it means the freedom to choose, taking control of your own life and being responsible for making decisions. The dictionary definition is 'freedom from control or influence of another or others '.

I guess what it really means is that you start having to be fully accountable for your actions, your behaviour. You are responsible for yourself, and for the things you do. There is no point laying blame upon someone else, because ultimately you are your own judge and jury.

Therefore, I apologise. I am very sorry.

Thoughts etc

It is days like today that help me believe in the presence of a 'higher power', an 'eternal lifeforce'... in God. I started the day at 5am watching nature's brute force in a fierce and explosive thunderstorm. With each blinding flash of lightning, and each deafening roar of thunder, I was reminded of my insignificance, my mortality... and the extraordinary power of the earth, the weather and all these other things over which we have no control.

Another thing today has been the strength and incredible bond that a family can share in the face of adversity... whether that be finding something to smile about, together, in the face of devestation, poverty or tragedy... or on a simpler scale, such as today. My Granny, who is not well or strong, has made a difficult and heart-rending journey from the house she has lived in for the past 39 years, to a home nearer to us, down in Torquay (50 mins away). I cannot even begin to imagine the pain she is feeling (leaving behind so many of her posessions, memories... and her last link to her husband, my grandfather). All that I can do is my very best to be there for her, for my mum and my Aunt, as they work to make this transition as smooth as is possible. Today I watched as my family rallied round, helped one another and generally stuck together- through, and despite, all the minor grievances and annoyances we can only expect with a family of an age range from 6 to 84. I love my family... and hope that I will always be there for them when they need me.

Thirdly, today I have spent quite a good deal of my time outside, 'with nature' if you like, just listening to its sounds, and observing its obscurities. I really feel in awe of the intricate workings of life. I feel connected to it all too... through my very being alive, living upon this planet, breathing the same air as, and affecting, in my own way, everything. I am... just through being here, either as observer or through action... part of it; past, present and future.

It is astounding, and I love it. And I am thankfull for it all.

Love, xxx

P.S. Sorry to make you read all that ramble... feel free to hit me... I probably don't even make any sense... was just feeling pondersome.

Scary watermen, sunshine and stuff...

Hello! Today has been another busy day. There was another (painful) 7am start, followed by more house tidying, more clothes washing and more job searching.

About halfway through the day I had a bit of a scary encounter with some (as dubbed by Tim) 'very rubbish watermen'. I heard some bustling about outside the back of the house, and went through to the back door to find two, scruffy looking men there, with the outside tap running. Needless to say, I asked who they were, and one of them said 'I'm Jamie'. As if that would explain everything. After a bit of banter, he finally said the he was from the waterboard, come to check our water supply. Then he said 'But we don't have any I.D. Maybe we are really gypsies come to keep you occupied at the door whilst we rob you.' Needless to say I was a little scared. But, they insisted, regardless of their lack of identification, and lack of a van (or from what I could see any form of transport), that they were from the waterboard. This kind of made sense, as our water has been off for the last few days during the day. But still odd. Particularly when one of them asked me if I wanted to buy some lucky heather off him. As well as the fact that they had just turned up in my back garden. Anyway... they left, and after a brief chat with my nearest neighbour, and with Tim, I decided that these men had not been scary or any sort of a threat. Just really 'very rubbish watermen'.

What else happened today? Nothing really of huge interest... I have been very mumsy today, looking after Oscar and cooking suppers and stuff. Quite fun really.

Anyway, love to all, and I guess just remember not to take things, situations or people at face value. xxx

ARGH! I forgot the title. This will have to suffice!

Today has been an even busier day... it began at 7am, which was not pleasant... with me having to get the boys (Adam and Oscar) up and ready for school... trust me, trying to activate a teenage boy and a sleepy six year old when you yourself want to crawl into a corner and snore away into eternity is not fun (Note: I do not actually, to my knowledge, snore... I was simply using at a plot device to jazz up the sentence). Anyway. This done, I pottered round the house, fed the dogs, cleared and cleaned dishes and dishwashers, put clothes in the wash, made beds, re-arranged a room, watered plants, walked dogs, checked ponies, watched wimbledon, watched film... by which time Adam arrived home from school and we continued re-arranging Oscar's and my bedroom.. which involved taking hundreds of books of a bookshelf, moving the shelf, then replacing the books. Then Oscar got home, and I cooked supper for him, and fed him. Then I cooked for Adam and myself, and ate (the supper, unsurprisingly). Then Kathy arrived home from College for the holidays. So I cooked supper for her. Then I watched some of the Andy Murray wimbledon match, whilst getting Oscar into his pyjamas. Then I put Oscar to bed. Then I watched more wimbledon. Then I came online, and here we are. Phew. Exhausting!

Ooooh... I also got my exam results today... Wooooo! 63% average. I am very pleased. Particularly at not having to do resits! Yay!

What else happened today... Oh yes. I turned into a mint. Courtesy of toothpaste, mint-scented shampoo and some scary little green men (which may or may not have been in my imagination) I am now a bonafide, glorified and petrified mint. Not a Polo though, far too traumatic.

I think that is all. Love etc, xxx (which, by the way, as expressed by some of my friends, is not my way of telling you all I've gone into the porn industry, okay! They are just kisses!)

P.S. Also today made more progression with 'Pigeons for scarves' campaign, with the President of the group sending a letter to the LTA with regards to their reckless treatment of the pigeons at Wimbledon, namely Michael and Archibald. Hear, hear! Coo, Coo!

Hello, hello, hello

Hello world.

Today has been, although with a lazy, yet lovely, 12 o'clock start, busy and bustling. Once up, I spent time tidying my room, tidying the house, talking to my mum about her career, looking online with a view to beginning my career (that sounds so high and mighty, when really I've been scouring the internet for whatever measly job and pay I can find!) , phoning people, cooking supper (sorry- Tea!), putting Oscar to bed, watching a film with Adam and walking the dogs. Oh, and watching Wimbledon of course, and doing more sudoku/crosswords.

Now I put it all down, it seems minimal and not very exciting, but it has been a busy day! I expect the next couple of days to be even busier, as my day begins at 7am... getting my brothers ready for school, seeing them off, tidying the house, cooking, cleaning etc, etc.

I'm quite enjoying being so busy though... I have been finding empty days a bit tiring! Odd, I know, but oh well!

Anyway, I'll leave you now, love and all... xxx

Wimbledon etc.

Helloooo

Today has been beautifully lazy. I had my first lie-in of the holiday, not waking up until 12, and then lounging around till' 3 reading and talking to people online etc. Good fun, good fun. When I eventually got dressed, I watched Henman play in Wimbledon on telly, whilst doing some crosswords and a sudoku. What a wonderful life, and all that jazz. After this, I sorted out my (and Oscar's) room a bit, washed dishes and clothes and was generally house-wifey. This afternoon, once Oscar and Adam had returned from school, I watched Wimbledon some more (Andy Murray...), did a wordsearch with Oscar, cooked supper (steak and roasted veg. couscous) and put Oscar to bed. He is reading (well, being read) Enid Blyton at the moment... which is fab! Takes me back a bit... and makes me feel very old. Perhaps because I am old.

Anyway, I feel that this post has been really badly written, and I do apologise, but I am having to do it quickly as my battery is about to run out on the laptop. Therefore, I shall bid you adieu...

Byee xxx

Monday brings the rain

Today it has been raining. Lots and lots and lots. Whatever delusions I had about 'sunny, sunny Devon' are well and truly shot down. But oh well... hopefully the sun will return sometime soon. Preferably before I go back to Durham.

Today I have been out of the house and down in Torquay/Totnes looking round old people's homes with my mum, aunt and uncle for my Grandma. It was sad, thinking about the fact that she will have to leave her house of 40 years, and a town she has lived in for even longer. But, there is no-one near her anymore to visit regularly, and there is no way she can look after herself. So this is the best option, and the home we decided on is really lovely. Kind of feels like a pensioner Thid Floor... with a huge common room, and slightly better food! And a cat called 'the boss'. Hmmn, anyway. That's what I did with my day. We also stopped for a very nice pub lunch which was very good. Yum yum.

Also on the note of food, I just munched my way through a packet of skittles and a snickers. Oh dear oh dear. Oh well...

Now I am off to make a cup of tea, I think, and maybe do a crossword. My life is such an exciting rollercoaster. I just don't know how I cope... hahaha.

Hope all are well and safe and enjoyed their first days at work/looking for work/avoiding work etc. xxx

Back Home... for THREE MONTHS? Noooo... not possible

Well. Yesterday was a day of endings.

No more Thid Floor. No more Andy or the other finalists. No more college tea. No more hash browns. No more quick trips to the bar, the shop, Tees Lawn.

It is sad. But progressive... we are moving on to the next stage of our lives... and although it will be very different, in my optimistic view on life, I believe that it will be just as good, if not better than last year.

There is a lot to look forward to, and a lot to be thankful for. Thank you ALL for such a fantastic first experience of University life... it has truly been the best year of my life, and it's down to you guys! Thank you, thank you!

I'm gonna sign off now, but I will no doubt be blogging regularly...

So see you soon! Love you all, stay safe... xxx

Ground control to Major Tom...

This is an update.

There... happy now?

xxx

Summertime... and the living is easy

Sun is shining. Weather is sweet.
Feeling hot, hot, hot.
Sunshine through my window.

I love this weather.

I love no exams.

I love girly nights... chocolate fondue, alcohol, music, films, laughter, singing, frisbee and boppit. Does it get any better? Yes... there was pizza too!

xxx

Grrrr

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ARGH! Arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Grrr.