Breathe

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe.

Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 AM)

Worries

Katie is right to say that we all like to grumble. We look for the little things that annoy us and point them out.

But maybe we do this as an act of denial. Whilst focusing on smaller, menial problems that aren't really problems we can ignore the fact that there are other things, bigger things that we should be thinking about...

We can address the fact that we are cold... we put on a jumper... or the fact that we hate early lectures...

But what about things that you just don't know how to fix? What about things that can't be fixed? It's frustrating, as someone who likes to be able to solve a problem, to have the answers, and to know what to do... it's frustrating to be utterly lost.

It seems that I am Cleopatra... Queen of Denial.

It's not just a river in Egypt.

Music

Music has always been something I have turned to when feeling lost, confused, upset, unhappy, lonely, angry, depressed etc.

Also when I am happy, but for now we shall concentrate on the above...

Music often has answers. When you are feeling lonely it will tell you 'you are not alone'. When you feel like giving up, it tells you to 'hold on'. That 'it just takes some time', that 'everything will be alright'.

But what happens when music doesn't have the answers. What then.

Where do you turn when you really are alone, you have no time, it won't be alright, and there is no happy ending, glass half full, silver lining land of fairy tale endings?

What then?

What if you are just lost?

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy

This is a quote from Dante, and I can't decide how true it is. On the one hand, it is true to say that to look back over what you've lost when you're feeling down is one of the worst things you can do. However, to look back over what you've been lucky enough to have, even though you have lost it... this should be comforting, surely? To be lucky enough to look back and smile, fondly recall times and places and people. Rather than not being able to name a single pleasant memory etc?

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone". But what happens when technically you are not alone, you have friends, family and so on, you love them, and they love you... what hppens when even then you feel alone? Are you greedy because it's not enough, or are you aware of this idea that Orson Welles put forth, or are you aware of the problems that exist.

What happens if you can see the problems, but you can't solve them. What if you don't even know why they are there, where they came from, or anything?

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for" (Daq Hammerskjold). I guess, then, that is all we have to hold on to.

One Hundred!

This is post 100! Woo!

Anyway, the party last night was lots of fun... and I finished my essay... and we now have digital T.V. working! Woo! Lots of good stuff!

I feel that as this is my 100th post I should make it extra special, but yeah, I can't think of anything...

Now I have to decide whether or not to go out tonight, and I really ought to get on with some more work... Grrrr

x